


Flowers

by Unknown_qhost



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Crush, Depression, Eventual Smut, F/M, Feelings, Fluff, POV First Person, Romance, Rose is confused abt her feelings, Rose is just depressed, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, a lot of sadness lmao, pov doesnt change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 23:22:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29990397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unknown_qhost/pseuds/Unknown_qhost
Summary: “The flowers are beautiful.”I adored the way the words rolled off his tongue, the sentence spoken as if it were a gift from God himself. Perhaps to me, it was. Anything he said to me, of importance or not, made my heart beat faster and my face burn up. It was a surprise he hadn’t noticed yet, with my interest being far too conspicuous in the presence of anyone with half a brain. Perhaps he simply didn’t care to point it out and feigned ignorance on purpose. Unlike other friends I had, I knew full well the reasoning behind my affections. He had saved me, and not just physically. Erwin Smith was the reason I was still alive, and the reason I wasn’t stuck in poverty as I had been when I met him.
Relationships: Erwin Smith/Original Character(s), Levi Ackerman/Original Character(s), Levi Ackerman/Original Female Character(s), Levi Ackerman/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first post on AO3, I hope you all enjoy.

“The flowers are beautiful.” 

I adored the way the words rolled off his tongue, the sentence spoken as if it were a gift from God himself. Perhaps to me, it was. Anything he said to me, of importance or not, made my heart beat faster and my face burn up. It was a surprise he hadn’t noticed yet, with my interest being far too conspicuous in the presence of anyone with half a brain. Perhaps he simply didn’t care to point it out and feigned ignorance on purpose. Unlike other friends I had, I knew full well the reasoning behind my affections. He had saved me, and not just physically. Erwin Smith was the reason I was still alive, and the reason I wasn’t stuck in poverty as I had been when I met him. He had gifted me life, a stable job, and friendships I would’ve never encountered had it not been for Erwin’s courage. With his physical features only comparable to those of a Greek god, it was no wonder I fell for the man.

I owed him more than I could explain, so there I stood, placing a gentle vase of daffodils upon his desk. “Thank you, sir. I found them during my training this morning and remembered that they were your favorite.”

He chuckled, voice deep and masculine, then brushed his large, calloused fingertips gently along the delicate flower’s petals. It was a soft touch, completely in contrast to the blonde’s intimidating look. His silver eyes made piercing contact with mine, and he spoke once more. “You’re allowed to skip the formalities, Roisin. We’ve known each other for long enough now, haven’t we?”

“You’re right.” I exhaled, a small weight lifted. “How’s work been?”

“The usual.” His hand shifted from the flower and trailed down to his feather quill, fidgeting with the object whilst his eyes flicked tiredly to the item. 

It was then I noticed the dark circles situated under his eyes, surly from lack of sleep. Most people in the Scouts had the same dead look to them, from what they’ve seen or their insomnia, I was never too sure. I myself wasn’t freed from this, thoughts and images from the world outside clouding my every moment’s peace for as long as I could remember. In fact, the people who did manage to have a perfect sleep usually had something wrong with them. That wasn’t uncommon, either. Yet when I looked my superior up and down, I could tell it was affecting him the most. Behind the confidant front he put up for general morale, he was just as disheveled and exhausted as the rest of us.

I glanced outside his window, eyeing the stone walkways outside, filled with people talking amongst the bustling crowd. It was ironic to me that I now lived inside Wall Rose, considering my nickname is precisely that. ‘Rose’. It got confusing. I exhaled, shifting my attention back to the commander sitting patiently in front of me. His hands weren’t fidgeting anymore and now sat calmly, folded in front of him on the surface of his desk. It was a professional stance, one that showed power, yet he had a friendly enough face that most people I knew had mixed opinions on him. He was either heavily admired, or met with confusion at his actions. From time to time I’d find myself questioning him and his decisions as well, but more often than not he’d pull through, and that was a large factor as to what attracted me to the man. His intelligence. 

Erwin took a sip from a teacup on his desk, pausing to look into the cup and frown. I raised an eyebrow, following his gaze to his drink. “Did Levi give you a present?”

He chuckled. “Of course not, I just decided to try some of the tea he likes to see what the fuss is all about. It’s not particularly my taste, though…” He made eye contact with me. “That reminds me, he came by today and wanted me to let you know that training’s going to go on a little later today.”

I narrowed my eyes, fiddling with the sleeve of my jacket. My limbs and muscles were already sore from the rough practice I had the night prior, practice almost being like a punishment in my squad. Levi was the squad captain and humanity’s strongest soldier. I was more than lucky to have the opportunity to work alongside him, but I oftentimes regretted it, as training sessions with him were never pleasant. In fact, not one encounter I had with him had been considered ‘enjoyable’. He was usually stoic, showing close to no emotions other than indifference and strictness. My teammates always said he did it to keep us alive, but I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed at the raw amount of abuse my body had suffered during the many laps I had run, weights lifted, and rooms scrubbed from head to toe. He wasn’t just a strict squad captain, he was also, unfortunately, a clean freak, a dangerous combination that led to late nights cleaning our grounds until it was deemed ‘acceptable’ by him. Humanity’s strongest soldier my ass, he was simply a prick with skill.

Erwin could sense my change of attitude, and simply smiled whilst still looking down at his cup. “I take it you don’t like the captain too much.”

“No, it’s not that- I-” I stopped myself from continuing momentarily, thinking of the words to say without sounding ungrateful. He had put me on Captain Levi’s squad after all, and it wasn’t that I was ungrateful, but the abuse we suffered didn’t go without notice. “His routines are just harsh.”

Erwin ran his fingers through his hair, a small hum escaping his lips. “He’s one of our best men, as I’m sure you know. He’s most likely being harsh because he knows your capabilities, Roisin.”

“Maybe.” 

I felt my heart almost beat out of my chest. Silently cursing under my breath, I knew I had to go shower before he started training, so I swiftly dismissed myself and returned to the barracks. It was quiet in the showers, and I quickly grew to realize that I was late, having spent too much time chatting with the commander. I was going to be in a lot of trouble if I didn’t hurry things up, so I quickly washed up, got changed, and dashed as fast as my legs could take me toward the training grounds. To confirm my suspicions, there my squad was, running laps, lifting weights, and practicing and building muscle. I internally winced, making eye contact with my captain, a displeased look on his features. I could tell by the way my squad members glanced over at me with sympathy, that I was in for a ride.

“O’Sullivan.”

“Yes, Captain?” I slowly approached him, as if he were a rabid animal about to lunge his attack on me. With the way his eyes burned into my skin, something told me I wasn’t too far off.

“You’re late.”

_ What gave it away? _ I gave a half-hearted smile, attempting to look friendly knowing how my face looks pissed off anytime it’s in a resting position. “I know, I’m sorry Captain, I didn’t know the exact time you wanted training to be tonigh-”

He huffed, interrupting me mid-sentence. “I’m not looking for excuses, I’m stating a fact. You’re doing laps after practice until I say you’re done.”

I felt like I was about to vomit. With Captain Levi, he could keep me going until I’ve done over a hundred leg-shattering laps around our track, and just our luck, our track is massive all the way around. Yet, despite that, I still knew defying our captain would be a crime to my team’s well-being, so I shut up and took it. Looking him square in the eye, I nodded, my challenging eye contact in contrast to the smile I put on. “Okay, Captain.”

He raised a brow, looking me up and down before shaking his head, and mumbling a small “You’re dismissed, go train.” Under his breath. I obeyed, rushing off towards my group with a sinking feeling in my chest. 

I joined alongside my squad, stopping beside the other girl in the Special Operations Squad, Petra Ral. She was lying on her back against the pale dirt, lifting what seemed like heavyweights at first sight, but when I looked closer I noticed that instead of weights, Petra was lifting empty fuel tanks for our gear. I chuckled, earning a pout from my friend and an explanation of how she ‘was sore and hopes Levi didn’t notice.’ I laughed and agreed not to spill her secret. I had no desire to, full well knowing Levi was an ass and I wouldn’t gain anything out of ratting out my companions. I sighed contently, internally grateful I wasn’t the only one tired from the previous night. Though when I first was offered a spot in the squad, Erwin had said it was to ‘put my talent and drive to good use’ but in the Special Operations Squad, handpicked by Levi himself, everyone was beyond exceptional. I huffed, breaking out of my thoughts to focus back on the excruciating task at hand. By itself, pull ups weren’t the hardest thing scout members faced, but paired with the heaviest ODM gear in the walls strapped to our backs, it made the training even less tolerable.

Who was I to complain, I had wanted to kill titans my entire life, now that I was granted that privilege, why was I complaining over the methods?

The sun lay low in the sky, broadcasting a vivid orange light across our grounds. I hadn’t realized the sheer amount of time that had passed until Eld, the Captain’s second in command, tapped me on the head. I dropped to the ground in defeat, sweat beading my forehead from the heat and exercise I’d faced. Panting like a dog on the ground, I turned to face him, surprised to see the lack of exhaustion on his features. I wiped the liquid off my forehead, attempting to control my breathing to appear presentable in front of my superior. He gave a half-smile, reaching a hand to help me up from the ground. I took it, taking the extra support to stand up and pull myself together.

“Thanks, Eld.”

“Don’t mention it; we’re done practice by the way. Levi wants you to start doing your laps.”

I remained silent, my stoic expression showing Eld my distaste of the idea. He snickered, understanding the exact mood I portrayed. Everyone understood the dread of having to do laps with Levi, especially late at night after training. The thought reminded me of the time, and I snuck a quick glance in the corner of my eye to look at the sky, the sun now setting below the 50-meter wall entrapping us in its confinements. I had tried to escape once before, and unfortunately, I realized at the young age of eighteen that sometimes the grass on the other side isn’t greener, it’s often blood-stained and littered with the corpses of people you held dear. An unlucky reality most of us were forced to face. 

“I’ll see you, Rose.” Eld snapped me out of my thoughts, gifting me with a smile laced with pity. I returned it with one of my own before dashing off towards the track, being late again not in my best interest.

The orange hues of the sky soon turned into a dark blue, aligned with the temperature noticeably dropping. I breathed a small sigh of relief, a feeling of ease clouding over me, knowing the cooler temperature would aid in my cool down later on that night. When the long track came into view and I didn’t see Levi anywhere in sight, I knew I was early. I swallowed thickly, beginning my agonizing pace around the track, limbs and muscles already cramping from the previous labor, still knowing that pain would hurt way less than my punishment if I chose to disobey the captain. It didn’t take long for the brunette to arrive, arms crossed and an uninterested expression upon his features as his eyes scanned over me. I avoided his gaze, intimidation brewing in the pit of my stomach as I continued to run.

“Pick up the pace, O’Sullivan. You’re not walking in a field of daisies, you’re running away from  _ titans _ .” He barked, voice ringing in my ears, momentarily distracting me from the pain I was enduring. I said nothing, the only sound escaping my mouth being the heavy breaths from the raw exercise I had to undertake.

Even more time passed, neither of us saying anything other than the occasional order to speed up. The moon was higher in the sky than the last time I’d checked, and I could tell by the shortness of the remaining breath I had left that I had pushed it too far. I pressed myself further, struggling to even keep my heavy, aching body upright for long enough to finish the grueling task at hand. I made eye contact with Levi, silently begging for any sort of mercy, but was instead granted a scoff and a snide comment about ‘not looking at him like that’ before he shifted his focus back up at the sky. Anger boiled inside me, threatening to spill over like a boiling pot of water. I wanted so desperately to strangle him in that moment, thinking to myself that  _ If my pain isn’t good enough for him, why am I doing this shit anyway?  _ Lost in thought and anger, I didn’t notice the numbness in my legs take over until it was too late, and I collapsed onto the hard ground by his feet. I wanted to collect myself, but my heavy breathing and exhaustion didn’t allow me even the dignity of getting up onto my knees. 

“Get up off your ass, cadet.” He nudged me with the toe of his shoe, causing the bubbling anger in me to begin to boil over.

“No, I’m going to end up killing myself at this rate.” I shifted my head to the side slightly to sneak a peek at his expression, immediately regretting it after viewing the disgusted look on his face. I cursed at myself for physically flinching but refused to stand up. I wasn’t going to give him the pleasure. 

“Don’t be an idiot.” He scoffed, rolling his eyes. “You stop running when I say so, O’Sullivan.”

I bit my lip, giving in and standing up, but not returning to the field. I stared him dead in the eye, sweat dripping down my forehead and cheeks flushed from the sheer amount of running I was forced to endure. “I’m going to bed, Captain.”

His eyes turned dark quicker than expected, and his hand swung to grab onto my wrist. “No, you’re not, Cadet. You were late and you need to pay the price.”

I flinched at his touch, attempting to rip my wrist away from his grasp as panic rose in my chest. My breaths quickened, and my heart began to race out of my ribcage. I was usually pretty alright with other people’s touch, even embracing it from time to time, but certain areas made vomit threaten to escape my body, and heart threaten to stop altogether. Levi was too stubborn to let go, despite my strongest attempts to free myself. I turned to eye him, desperation overweighting my desire to stay professional.

“Let go, Levi.”

I used his real name, causing his eyebrows to furrow. I gulped back my tears, knowing the embarrassment it would cause me to cry in front of my squad captain and humanity’s strongest. His glare deepened, yet his grasp loosed enough to allow me an exit. I tore my wrist out, breath hitching in my throat. I despised the way anxiety would loom over me at a simple touch, and the way it made me appear like prey waiting to be eaten. Levi faced the other direction, frustration radiating off him. “Thanks for nothing,  _ Erwin _ .”

The name.  _ His _ name. It was commonly heard in the Scout Regiment, but I didn’t know why it would be brought up at that moment.

“What?”

“He’s the one who recommended you, figures the one person I didn’t choose myself would turn out to be an ungrateful brat.”

I hated to admit it, but I felt a stab in my heart at his words. I knew he was harsh but  _ damn, did he need to be so rough? _ I went in the scouts to become the most useful soldier alive, repaying Erwin for the debt I owed him. To hear all my efforts were for nothing stung. I clenched my fists, took a deep breath, and unclenched with a small smile.  _ Levi’s opinion shouldn’t mean anything to me. In my life, he’s just as replaceable to me as I am to him.  _ I thought to myself.  _ I need to calm down before I say something I regret. _

“If you would like someone more fit for my position, be my guest,” I stated, gaining his attention and eye contact once more. “You can have me transferred to another squad where my abilities would be more useful. That’s what I’m here for, after all. That’s what any soldier should be here for.”

I could sense he was searching for any tone of malice in my voice, but he didn’t hear any. I was speaking the truth, though Erwin said I’d be a better fit for the Levi Squad, wherever my abilities would be helpful I was willing to go. The thing closest to Erwin was humanity itself, so if helping humanity would repay what I owed, that’s what I would do. 

“I know my abilities are impressive, and I’ll keep on improving them. It’s up to you where I go to do that, I guess.” I started to walk toward the barracks, not before glancing back at him. “Have a good night, Captain.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My throat burned. I had been yelling for too long, and it was catching up to me as my tears spilled down my cheeks. My vision was blurred, causing me to only view my surroundings and individual objects of varying shapes and colors. The echoing noise of my chattering peers made my stomach churn, head pounding and wrists bruised and sore. If I concentrated for long enough, I could make out distinct phrases, such as “...she’s the only one who could’ve done it…” and “...watch people try to defend this one…”

I wanted to explain, but the tugging on my wrists was too distracting. The man behind me, someone I didn’t know, tied the rope binding my hands together to a pole, forcing me to my knees in front of an entire court of people. I looked like a mess, hair disheveled and red stains where my tears had been. I had scratches and open cuts all over my body, the only evidence I carried to prove where I really was that night.  _ Beyond the walls. _

No way in hell they’d believe me, and even if they did they’d either label me a witch or kill me for being a danger to society. I wasn’t sure which one I was more comfortable with. A quick death would be better in my favor, but the part of me that desired justice wanted to see the looks on their faces when they realized I was innocent. The clang of the judge’s hammer rang harshly around the courtroom, forcing those who were talking to shut their mouths. The judge cleared his throat, and shuffled through a handful of parchments naked to my eye. My face remained neutral, deadpan, even. I understood the resting face of raw murder I had beyond my control, but I couldn’t force myself to smile for the people debating over my life. They didn’t deserve the reassurance that I was harmless. Though deep inside I knew I couldn’t harm anyone, much less my own parents, they didn’t need to know that. 

“This is the trial for Miss Roisin O’Sullivan, accused of first-degree murder, and lying under oath, how do you plead?”

“...Not guilty.” I gritted my teeth.

“That bitch is lying! Throw her in jail!” Someone yelled from the crowd, the exact person unclear. I flinched, attempting to get out of my restraints yet causing myself more pain.

“I did not! I could never-”

“Shoot the wench before she kills us too!”

Pain.

Sharp, stabbing pain in my wrists.

The rope was too tight, cutting off circulation.

The ringing of their voices and arguments echoed in my ears, merging into one loud sound that made my head throb and pound painfully against my skull. There was only so much I could take.

I needed them to know the truth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I shot up from out of bed, chest heaving. I patted the bed sheets around me, reassuring myself that I was indeed, in my bed. 

I was safe.

I took some breaths to calm myself down, almost leaping out of my skin when Petra swung her head down from the bunk above me.

“Hey, you okay? You sounded like you were having a nightmare.”

“I’m fine, thanks Petra.” I gulped, wiping the sweat from my forehead. The Special Operations Squad all shared a bunk room together, with me and Petra being chosen bunkmates. The nightmares only came when something triggered them, I realized, and it wasn’t a leap of judgment to guess that the whole ordeal with the captain had caused them. Petra continued to stare at me, looking extremely concerned and worried. I hated to see her like that, and know I had caused it. I exhaled, raking my hand through my brown hair and frowning. 

“You’re not fine.” Petra hopped off the top bunk onto the wood flooring, wincing at the loud  _ thump _ sound it made. She took a second to take in her surroundings, scanning over the sleeping forms of our squad members to ensure she hadn’t woken any up. Satisfied with the snores, she returned her focus to me. “I’m here for you, you know.”

“You’re sweet, Petra.” I gulped but gave her a warm smile. “I had a bit of an argument with the captain, and I guess it just reminded me of-”

“An argument with Captain Levi?” Me and Petra both turned our heads, startled by the sudden output of flickering light from a lantern and the voice of our comrade, Oluo, who now sat up on his bunk at the other side of our room. “Tsk, couldn’t be me.”

Petra sighed, frustration showing in her voice. Oluo always tried to desperately act like their leader, and Petra detested it, She was always of the opinion people should be themselves, so when her friend began to pretend he was Levi’s little twin, Petra would often get annoyed. It also offput me, but for completely different reasons. I was more unappealed by the fact Oluo acted like someone I held distaste for and felt somewhat afraid of. I couldn’t comprehend why anyone would want to be like the captain and his emotionless ways. Most people who actually knew him personally knew how much of a pain-in-the-ass he could be, so when a fellow cadet tried to replicate his behavior, it wasn’t just me and Petra who got annoyed. Even Captain Levi would get annoyed from time to time.

Before I knew it, I felt a sudden dip in my bed. Petra sat beside me, strawberry-blonde locks framing her kind face. She opened her arms, offering me a hug, something I couldn’t refuse. I embraced her, holding back my sobs so I wouldn’t alert my sleeping crewmates. Oluo finally noticed my distress, and quietly tip-toed over to where I sat, awkwardly placing a single hand on my shoulder for some sort of support. Even if the man annoyed me, I knew deep inside he cared, not just for me, but for all his fellow cadets on the Special Operation Squad. I pulled away from Petra’s embrace, silently thanking her for her help. She nodded in response, always happy to help.

“Uh-Sorry that happened to you.” Oluo coughed into his elbow, avoiding my eye contact.

“You should be.” Petra rolled her eyes. “This is why you shouldn’t act like Captain Levi, he’s not the perfect man you see him as.”

“No that’s not it, Petra.” I found myself saying, surprising myself that I was starting to defend our leader. “He didn’t know it fucks my routine up. He’s just like that with everyone, I guess.”

“I don’t think so. I’ve never been punished that hard, have you, Oluo?” Petra questioned, turning to face the man.

“Tsk, no and I’ve done far worse than  _ be late _ .”

I furrowed my eyebrows, confusion overcoming me. I had been dealing with his abuse for such a long time thinking that’s what he did to everyone, but hearing I was singled out started to inflame me. I clenched my fists into a tight ball to release the tension, and stood up abruptly, much to Oluo and Petra’s surprise. My friends gave me an odd look whilst my expression darkened, showing off my obvious anger like a badge. I stormed over to our door, having at least the self-control to keep myself quiet for the cadets who were still asleep.

“Where are you going, Rose?” Petra needled, both her and Oluo standing up along with me.

“On a walk. I need to calm down.” I muttered, turning the brass doorknob and leaving without another word. Now wasn’t the time to lose my mind, I simply needed some peace at heart. I traveled through the winding corridors, taking deep breaths. He had no right to penalize me harder for something so mundane while my comrades got lesser sentences for worse crimes. I wondered briefly why he had a grudge against  _ me _ in particular, but the thought passed as soon as it crossed my mind. I knew the answer, he had told it to me myself. The difference between me and the other members was simple, Erwin had chosen me and not Levi. What I didn’t know was why that constituted my rougher treatment, but at least I knew the answer to the question that would inevitably be eating away at my brain later on.

I arrived at my destination, knocking my knuckles against the wooden door and praying the man would answer. Lucky for me, I overheard the muffled noise of shuffling footsteps from the other side of the room and the door unlocking. I breathed a sigh of relief, happy to see Erwin open the door and raise his eyebrows at me.

“Roisin?”

A sad smile tugged at my lips. “Hey, sorry it’s late, there’s just something I’d like to-”

“Don’t apologize. Here, come inside.” He opened the door for me, allowing me entry to his quarters. I stepped carefully inside, biting my bottom lip.

Erwin moved over to his bed, sitting on the end of it and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. I felt guilt gnawing at me, feeling bad for waking him from the slumber most members of the Scout Regiment didn’t get much of. He patted the spot next to him, and I sat, heart rate quickening by the minute. The blonde looked at me, hair somehow still neatly kept, and patient eyes waiting to see what I’d say next.

I cleared my throat, swallowing in an attempt to rid myself of the dry feeling. I wasn’t about to rat out my captain, I wasn’t a snitch, I simply needed advice on what to do once I got dismissed from the squad I’ve been a part of for years. “I apologize for waking you up- I’m just afraid I’m going to be released from the Special operations Squad tomorrow morning.”

Erwin was silent for a moment before speaking. “Why would Levi release you?”

“Last night, I was late and we had a… disagreement. I didn’t exactly comply with his penalty and he said I was useless so I told him if I’d be useful in another squad I’d go there, so I think that’s what he’s going to do.” I sighed, avoiding Erwin’s lingering gaze. “It’s my own fault, and I’m okay with joining another squad, I guess I just want to know where you think I should go from here.”

Erwin was quiet for a second, deep in his own thoughts like he usually was. I shifted in place, hands tucked between my two trembling knees. I wished desperately I could stop the shivering, but it was beyond my control at that point, and I just wished he didn’t notice. Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose, an act not of annoyance, but of absorption in his thinking. “I doubt he’ll actually dismiss you, Rose, but if he does I was actually already thinking of having you become a captain yourself.”

I widened my eyes, meeting with his blue ones. They sparkled with something I couldn’t describe. Something strong. Something confident. I was excited at his words, both options sounding amazing. “Why do you think so?”

Erwin patted me on my back, the action in of itself making me chuckle. “Because you’re talented. You’re a good soldier, I’ve always told you that.”

My cheeks flared up without me realizing it. I thanked him, a tiny smile still present on my face while I looked down at my feet. He returned it, the hand on my back moving to my head, brushing the strand of hair out of my face as he stood up. 

“Do you want a drink?” Erwin proposed, but I shook my head no, deciding I had taken up too much of his time already.

“No thanks, thanks for the offer, though. You should get your rest.” I stood up as well, starting toward the door and stopping in the doorway. “Sorry for waking you up, Erwin.”

“No, it’s alright.” He shook his head. “You can come anytime.”

I beamed, giving him a nod before saying goodnight and closing the door behind me. I let out the breath caught in my throat, deciding the best course of action from here would be to simply go back to bed. Erwin gave me the reassurance I needed in case the captain really did go through with what I regretted suggesting. Though the thought of captain did sound intriguing, the selfish part of me knew I would miss my friends in the Special Operations Squad, and the other part of me knew that if the strongest soldier known to mankind thought I needed improvement, despite what Erwin said I should be able to do just that. Improve.

I wandered through the halls, stopping by the door to our shared room. We had little to no privacy in the barracks, and the only sense of dignity we really got was the ability to change in the bathrooms, also shared. The scout captains and above got their own quarters, complete with a personal bedroom, office, and bathroom. Captain Hange, a good friend of mine although not  _ my _ captain, allowed me to visit and use her room from time to time, a simple act I was grateful for.  _ Maybe leaving the squad and becoming a captain myself won’t be so bad... _ I thought, trying to reassure myself, but failing. I was never the best at doing things on my own unless I had no other choice. I liked being told what to do, and although I could hold my own perfectly fine, ordering others around like Captain Levi was never truly in my best interest. I had the face of a bitch but lacked the personality to match.

When I walked inside my room, I noticed everyone had fallen asleep long before I’d arrived, the lantern Oluo lit before I left now blown out. I buried myself in my sheets, fighting off the nightmarish images from my previous sleep. The distinct pain in my wrists reminded me of the hell hole I tried to forget, what seemed like only yesterday. Perhaps the real reason I went to Erwin wasn’t for the reassurance of myself as a soldier, and more for the reassurance that I was  _ safe _ . He had always kept me safe, from the day I met him until now. A true friend.

_ Friend. _

A low hum escaped my lips. That’s all I’d ever be to him and I had somewhat accepted that. There were many reasons as to why my feelings shouldn’t be there, one was him being my superior and another being the scout’s short lifespan. If you joined the scouts, you were guaranteeing yourself a short life. One that would end any day to the hands of the 15-foot demons waiting to bite at your flesh. They were merciless, like many of the brutal murders they carried out.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the scenes I’ve witnessed outside the walls. I remembered the first time I’d seen a titan in person, the way its inhuman eyes stared at you wishing nothing more than your demise. I was a fool at eighteen to think I could kill one of the things with no prior experience, but at the time my anger had fueled me to climb the bloody wall myself. 

I drifted to sleep, ignoring the way my fingers trembled and my stomach churned. It’s how it always was, there was no escaping the flight of fight response a soldier’s body gave off before passing out. It was the most comfort any of us truly got. 

Far less than I needed for the journey ahead.


	2. Chapter 2

Morning came and passed like it did every day. We had cleaning duty today, and just my luck, I was tasked with cleaning Captain Levi’s office. He was the type to want things crystal clear and without a speck of dirt, a sentiment I didn’t entirely care for, nor understand. How our leader was such a clean freak even after being soaked in titan blood daily was beyond me. I knocked on his door, cleaning supplies in hand while the question ate away at me,  _ Is he going to replace me or not? _

“Name and business.” He stated from the other side of the door.

“Roisin O’Sullivan. I’m supposed to be cleaning your room today.”

I heard him make a ‘tsk’ sound before unlocking and opening the door. “Come in.”

His room was already sparkling, much cleaner than the one the cadets shared. The men in our circle often drank during their days off, giving their side of the room tons of litter and glass bottles for us to have to clean when it was our turn to clear our spaces. The captain’s remained clean as ever, making me wonder why he made us clean it at all. Despite this, I started mopping the floor, tying my hair up, and flinching when some water splashed up onto my face. Levi glanced at me from the corner of his eye, leaning forward in his office chair to concentrate on the stack of paperwork I assumed Erwin had so gracefully gifted him.

“Erwin giving you trouble?” I asked, trying to make light conversation so as to not completely bore me.

Levi clicked his tongue, stoic expression showing nothing but unamusement. Yet, he still responded to my question. “I was given the task of reviewing his battle strategy. He wants all the squad captain’s opinions, I guess.”

“All that paper just for that?” I giggled but his unimpressed eyes met with mine, making me gulp. “I can uh- I can take a look at them, if you want?”

He looked at me as though I had just suggested cattle could grow wings. He exhaled heavily, raking his hands through his black hair, parted into curtains. It didn’t hurt for me to sneak a glance. He motioned to the paper, and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Go ahead.”

I walked up beside him, staring at the layout given. It wasn’t too different from the strategies we usually tried, but the difference this time was our goal. We were supposed to protect Eren, a new member of the scouts and titan shifter. It was a huge surprise for my entire department, and Erwin thought Levi was best fit for the job of playing babysitter with a fifteen-year-old fresh recruit, a job the Special Operations Squad knew he wasn’t too excited about.

“We should move him more towards the back, and have Mikasa Ackerman join a squad with lesser capabilities as to protect them. She’s more skilled than most of her comrades, so it’ll make sense for her to be where she can help lessen the body count.” I bit the nail on my finger, using the other to point out examples as to where they should go. “Maybe we should go more upfront to protect the others as well.”

He was silent for a moment before nodding, making a part of me happy he agreed. “Yes, I was thinking about the same thing, save for the Mikasa part. They’re good ideas I’ll run by Erwin.”

I locked eyes with him and remembered what I had wanted to ask in the first place. With the sudden confidance from his acceptance, I spoke. “Speaking of squads, have you decided if you’re going to kick me out or not…?”

I braced myself for his answer, but was surprised to hear him say “I’m not kicking you out of the squad, O’Sullivan.”

I couldn’t help the beam that spread on my face. “Thank you, captain, I’m so sorry about my outburst earlier. It was out of turn and-”

“Don’t mention it.” He interrupted, Licking his top lip before taking a sip from his teacup resting beside him. “By the way, after you all are done your chores we’re going out on a quick mission. Nothing too drastic, just scoping things out. It’ll be cold so remind everyone to wear more protective clothing.”   
  


“I will, thank you.” I sighed contently as I continued to clean every surface, a newfound determination growing inside me. I could feel his presence, but I paid it no mind as I continued my tasks. My mind carried on elsewhere until a question popped up in my head I was reluctant to ask. As much as the leader could be a prick, I had an immense amount of respect for him, being what I had failed to do, humanity’s strongest soldier. I swallowed the bile in my throat, deciding against my best intuition to ask him the burning question.

“Why did you become a soldier?”

It was so quiet I had assumed he didn’t hear me. That was until I heard him place down his cup, and rise up from where he sat. He stepped over to me, brushing past where I stood, swiping a single finger across the wall and scanning it over, frowning. His eyes narrowed, staring at something I couldn’t see before he pointed his index finger in my face. “You missed a spot.”

He returned to his desk, leaving me dumbfounded. I stayed quiet, not wanting to say anything further as to keep him happy. I just got my position back and didn’t want it to be ruined all over again. I sighed, dunking a cotton cloth into the bucket of water I brought along with me and wiped it over the wall to rid it of any dust. Either I was just blind, or he had the eyesight of a hawk and could spot any dust from a mile away. That, or he just needed a reason to shut me up. After restless hours of cleaning, the captain dismissed me and told me to wash up before our expedition outside the walls. I complied, returning to my quarters and changing into my uniform. I thanked the gods for whoever came up with the design, as the green cloak I wore over my Scout Regiment jacket was plush and warm, a rare material I didn’t see much of growing up in Wall Maria, the most poverty-stricken of all the walls. I was overall glad I had moved out, despite it not being under the best circumstances. 

Petra, Oluo, Gunther, and Eld were there too, readying their weapons, replacing their gas tanks and blades, and anything else they needed to do in case dager arose. We were one of the more lucky squads, facing little to no casualties on our daily run outside. Other squads couldn’t consider themselves that fortunate.

We all gathered outside by the gate, not looking back when they opened, allowing a great ray of sunlight to shine inside the walls where the light didn’t usually reach. A cool chill blew past my shoulders, reminding me of the harsher weather soon to come. Soldiers didn’t simply leave the safety of the three walls and return within a couple hours, no, an escapade to kill titans could last weeks depending on who was in charge. In our case, our very own Captain Levi Ackerman quite enjoyed things to be done and done well, so we weren’t considered finished until he said so, and that could last however long he deemed fit. If even one titan was left alive, he was sure to have it killed. It was a surprise to all of us that so many of us remained alive to complain.

We rode off on our horses, taking in the scenery. Lush trees and hills of grass stretching far beyond eyesight. If the gigantic humanoid-like creatures weren’t in our sights, I would’ve considered it beautiful. I stroked the dark mane of my horse, quickening the pace when Levi ordered us to head into the winding forest. ‘Titan Forest’ as they called it, was a hellscape waiting to happen. You couldn’t go in alone and expect survival, I doubt even Levi could manage that. We galloped past several disgusting wads of human flesh and bone, covered in a thick coat of saliva. Titan puke was no joke, the smell rancid and unlike anything I’d smelled before. I’d numbed myself to the disgust, but even now I couldn’t help the nausea looming in the back of my throat.  _ Who were those scouts, I wonder? How did they end up unrecognizable body parts, discarded by the beasts which ate them in the first place? _

It was a question I wish I didn’t know the answer to. It wasn’t uncommon for scouts to be eaten, the opposite actually. It was a rarity to see one alive for longer than a year, and after the titan had eaten what it deemed enough, it would vomit and disregard the corpses, left to rot in a ball of spit and stomach acid.

We passed the disgusting thing, much to my happiness. We were still surrounded by thick trees and leaves, never-ending almost. Levi glanced over his shoulder, frowning to himself at the sight of a titan wandering toward us.

“We have a seven-meter, prepare yourselves. There’s probably more.” He said it so mundane, knowing this was just another run-by for him.

“I’ll take it, captain.” I volunteered, looking back at the thing and knowing I could kill it easily. Titan Forest, though dangerous to humans due to the raw amount of titan activity, was also unsafe for the titans, as our ODM gear worked better with objects it could grapple onto, such as the branches of trees.

“Go ahead, just don’t die.” He stated, looking back in front of him. “That’s an order.”

I hopped off my horse, gliding through the air and onto a branch nearby the giant. The branch was large and thick, big enough for me to stand on without issue. I unsheathed my blades and looked behind the thing for any path where I could make a clean cut and return to my group. I spotted another branch in reach that would allow me to swing over it once and land, granting me one clean cut to the nape of the titan’s neck, its weak spot. With that, it’d hopefully give me enough time to cut off the bottom half of the nape, and kill the blasted thing without it realizing I was even there in the first place.

You see, I was never good at brute strength, being quite petit and only ranking up to 5’4. No matter how much exercise I was subjected to, I could never build muscle as people like Erwin and Reiner did. Because of this, I resorted to my agility, making clean cuts where I could instead of facing the things head-on. It worked. 

My gear hooked onto the branch I wanted it to, and I tore through the air, slicing the first bit of flesh from the nape of the titan’s neck. Unfortunately, I underestimated the length my ODM gear could reach, having got an improvement the other week. I swung in front of the seven-meter titan’s face, gasping when its beady eyes, bigger than me, shot to where I flew in front of it. I immediately used my gas to give me a boost, avoiding the large mouth attempting to bite me out of the air like it was bobbing for an apple. It barely missed, but thankfully gave me enough time to use another blast of gas, speeding through the air to land another hit on it.

My blade cut through the skin, leaving the piece I cut out to tumble onto the floor, along with the titan’s now-corpse. The booming sound it made and the steaming body crashed onto the dirt made me wince, but proud I managed to kill it despite not knowing the gear fully well yet. The steam radiating off the titan’s corpse made its way to my nostrils, the horrid smell causing me to gag and serve as a reminder to head back to join my group. That was an easy titan, if I was caught by another one, I wouldn’t get off so lucky. I gradually made my way back to my squad, grateful to see them still intact. Every soldier had that lingering fear while being alone, that they could return to their group only to see a bunch of mangled corpses being eaten.

My horse was still there too, and I swiftly hopped onto its backside, sweat building on my forehead from my previous endeavors. Petra grinned, reaching over to pat me on the back. “You killed it?”

Oluo rolled his eyes. “She shouldn’t be congratulated, we do this all the time. It’s our job.”

“Yeah. A thankless one. I’m changing that. I don’t remember our job being to pretend to be Levi or did I miss that?” 

I snickered, making Oluo shut up and making me smile. “Thanks, Petra.”

We continued through the forest, finally exiting after killing one other titan. A three-meter, not half as bad. Luck was on our side that day. The rest of the trip was uneventful, not many titans surrounded the outer walls and the ones that did were manageable. It made me internally consider whether we were having good luck because we were about to be ambushed, but we were able to finish the job just fine and get back inside the walls by the next evening. 

I parked my horse at the stables, dismounting it and sitting on the bench whilst the other squad members went to go get changed. My luck ran out when I realized my horse had gotten a rock lodged in its horseshoe, so while my friends got a nice hot shower and a rest, I was stuck trying to pry the thing out without hurting the horse. The sun was setting again, giving me a timeframe to get the rock out before it got dark and I couldn’t see. Even with a lantern or some sort of light source, it would be hard to hold the object close enough to the horse show to get a proper look in the night, and the little bitch wasn’t budging. 

I felt a presence in front of me, and my eyes flickered up, and it took me a moment to realize Levi stood there, a single eyebrow raised and arms folded. I physically groaned, knowing I was in for it one reason or another.

“What’d I do now?” I asked, leaving him surprised.

“What makes you think that?”

“You only look at me like that when I’m in shit.”

“Ah, well.” He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it, leaving me to be the one to raise an eyebrow at  _ him _ .

When he didn’t say anything but kept watching me, I ignored him, returning to my daunting task of cleaning the muck off my horse’s horseshoe in an attempt to find the rock causing it uncomfort. No matter how hard I picked at it, it wouldn’t move an inch. I exhaled, tapping my foot with agitation against the ground, the sound irritating my captain, unbeknownst to me.

“Could you stop that?”

I stared at him. “Stop what? Cleaning my horse?”

“Tapping your foot.”

I hummed, but halted. Though he was annoying me, I didn’t feel like being that much of a petty prick. My hair fell messily in front of my face, making me blow a huff of air to move it out of my vision, working momentarily before I had to simply move it with my hands. When my eyes flickered back to the captain, he now sat on the edge of the short wall between mine and Gunther’s horse. I licked my chapped lips, turning my focus back to my animal before I heard him speak again. “I have an answer to your question earlier yesterday.”

I clicked my tongue, eyesight still remaining on the horseshoe I kept picking away at. “And what would that be?”

“Erwin. Erwin was the reason I became a soldier.”

I halted my movements, frozen in place. He looked down at me, and for once I didn’t see irritation in his eyes, instead, I saw reminiscence. Something of a good memory, I guessed. When he didn’t speak further, I looked up from where I was sitting, biting my bottom lip. “Me too.”

There was a silence, not one of tension, but of acknowledgment. I realized we weren’t really that different, Levi had just achieved what I had wanted to quicker than I had. He was older than me, after all. Not by much, with me being in my mid-twenties and him being in his early thirties. He had more experience than I, and it made me think that maybe, that was the reason for his harshness. I was present in the trial of Eren Yeager, the infamous titan shifter that took the scouts by storm. In the trial, Levi had said it himself, that pain was the best way to enforce discipline.

Thinking of that, why should he treat me any differently?

“I respect you, you know,” I said, quieter than my previous words but loud enough for him to hear. “Though I might not agree with your methods, I don’t think you’re that bad of a guy like you try to be.”

He was still, not moving from his spot on the ledge. I knew he heard me. Though unnoticeable to many, I saw the way his fists clenched the edge of the wall a little harder at my words. My eyes didn’t budge from his form, and I quickly realized I probably looked like I was staring him down, so I instead changed my expression to a comforting smile. His fists clenched a little harder, and his pupils shot over to a hay barrel nearby, avoiding my gaze before hopping off the ledge and standing upright. He looked tense, unlike his usual demeanor of stoicness.

“You okay?” I asked, furrowing my eyebrows. He finally met his eyes with mine.

“Do you need help with your horse?”

I perked up, agreeing to the aid. Though my opinion of the man had slightly changed, I wasn’t sure what changed it. Him saying he became a part of the Survey Corps because of Erwin didn’t change anything about the way he treated me, but somehow I still found myself smiling when he pulled a stool next to me, sat down, and took a go chizzling away at the dirt in my horse’s horseshoe. Somehow, by some miracle, he yanked the rock out, chucking it to the side like it was nothing. I beamed, thankful to finally rid my horse of the burden. The sun was almost over the wall, coating the sky in its signature inky blackness. It was hard to make out Levi’s face in the darkness, but the outline I could see was staring silently at the ground, holding the chiseling tool in his hand. 

I didn’t know what to do, but before I could make up some excuse and get changed, he got up, said goodnight, and left for his room, leaving me in the pitch black, alone. I wondered what had just happened, but I had bigger fish to fry. I was still sweaty and gross from our run around the walls, and I desperately needed a shower. I left for my room as well, trying to ignore the lingering feeling in my chest I couldn’t name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hange was the one to wake us up the next morning, much to my surprise. She was to work with us on the 57th expedition beyond the walls, a big deal for the entirety of the scout regiment and what the papers of strategies Erwin had given to Levi were about. Hange was there, excitedly announcing about her tests on Eren she wanted to do, and how she wanted Squad Levi to help monitor things and Levi said yes. I loved her to death, but I grunted at her up-beat tone too early in the morning, flipping over in my bed and burying my head in my pillow. I heard Gunther whisper-yell to Hange, trying not to wake the others up while he asked quiet questions I couldn’t hear.

I assumed the questions were about Eren, as most of my squad were usually indifferent about him and his abilities. Turning into a titan wasn’t a common occurrence, in actuality, it had never happened in recorded history. At least, none that the Survey Corps was aware of. Erwin wanted a close eye to be kept on Eren, and in Hange’s mind, that meant studying Eren in his titan form and figuring out how exactly it functioned. Hange  _ adored _ titan research, a hobby that most people found annoying and overbearing, but I found it to be of great importance. Without knowledge of the titans and how they worked, we never would’ve known that the weak spot of a titan is the nape of its neck, a fact that saved plenty of soldiers life and granted humanity a small advantage on the battlefield, although when fighting a titan, the raw numbers of the beasts is what was the real problem. I finally shuffled out of bed, practically leaping out of my skin when Hange tackled me into a hug, squeezing my thin body with her arms.

“Ro! Rose! You’re awake! I haven't seen you in so long!” She pulled apart, a smirk tugging on her lips. “What, has shorty been harassing you all day and night?” 

Hange was friends with the captain, as much as he tried to deny it, they were close. The Survey Corps squad captains all worked together pretty often, so it made sense they began to bond friendships with one another.

“Wait-” I mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and yawning, only having picked up part of Hange and Gunther’s conversation. “Eren’s joining us  _ today _ ?”

Hange perked up, nearly bouncing off the walls with excitement. “Yes, he is! Me, Levi, Miche, and Erwin are picking him up after Levi gets here so hurry up and get dressed!”

I playfully rolled my eyes, changing my direction to my dresser, pulling out a clean scout jacket and uniform, mentally reminding myself to wash my clothes from yesterday. They were starting to smell like a titan’s corpse, a smell we all knew far too well but tried to avoid for obvious reasons. I let out a dramatic sigh, tossing my dirty laundry into a pile beside me while I got dressed. At that point, I didn’t entirely mind if my fellow cadets saw me in my undergarments when I changed, having lived and worked alongside them for so long. While Eld and Petra still slept, Oluo and Gunther got dressed alongside me, desperately ignoring Hange’s rambles of excitement. 

Oluo huffed, irritance laced into every movement he made. I served him a look in the corner of my eye, wanting to see what the fuss was about. 

“Do we really have to clean an entire  _ castle _ ? We were literally cleaning the  _ other day _ .” He complained, throwing his white button-up shirt on and buckling the leather straps that came with the outfit.

He was right. After we picked up Eren, the plan was to venture with him to the old Survey Corps castle, now the dirtied remains leftover that Captain Levi somehow expected us to clean. The gigantic eyesore in the middle of Titan Forest was, in Erwin’s mind, the perfect place to contain Eren while he tried out his new power, with Squad Levi playing babysitter and supervising his every move. I got why we had to do it, but it didn’t mean I was going to enjoy it. I finally got changed in my uniform, sans my scout jacket, the object in which I decided I’d wash once I got to the castle. I packed it in my animal-skin bag, slinging it over my shoulder to attach to my horse once the time came.

And that time did come, Erwin himself walked into the doorframe, and I was internally grateful I managed to get changed in time before he arrived to save me the embarrassment. My breath hitched in my throat as I realized the expedition we were about to undertake, and the chores we were going to have to endure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eren wasn’t as bad as Oluo made him out to be. He simply seemed like a wide-eyed kid, if not suffering from the obvious trauma that came with joining the Scout Regiment. He was only fifteen, a sad age that made me pity the boy a little, but when he stood beside me on the tiled castle outskirts, I could tell he had the determination to become a good soldier. The way he stood, the way his eyes looked and his ears listened closely to whatever the captain had to say reminded me a little of myself, back before I became a scout. Maybe, just maybe, I would’ve been like him if things had been different in the circumstances in which I was accepted. 

Levi paced back and forth in front of our lineup, seemingly deep in thought about one thing or another. I could never truly tell what was on his mind. Eren’s vivid green pupils followed his every move, examining each step our leader took with great interest. I frowned,  _ If only Yeager knew how much of a jerk the captain really is _ . Reliving events in my head, I was quickly reminded of the dirty Survey Corps jacket I left in the bag hooked up to my horse. I exhaled, knowing I’d have to risk the Captain’s foul mood. I slowly raised my hand, hoping I wouldn’t be scolded for the interruption. Thankfully, the captain simply glanced at me momentarily, before moving his gaze and saying “Yes, O’Sullivan?”

“I brought my dirty Corps jacket, would I be allowed to wash it during our cleaning?” My hand lowered, fidgeting with the buckles of my harness. “I didn’t have the time to wash it this morning.”

He nodded, shaking his head slightly, with his same never-changing stoic look on his face. “Go ahead, that brings us to our current task.” He stopped pacing, turning to face his squad with his hands behind his back. “It’s time to start cleaning, so I’ll split you up into groups and we'll make this place more presentable.”

Everyone nodded, yet shot me dirty glances for giving him the idea to start our cleanup. I left for where I parked my horse, a smile appearing on my face to see it alright. I couldn’t help the nagging feeling of dread any time I was left alone, worried I’d return to figure out the people I held close were murdered by titans or...other means. My fear wasn’t unfounded, with the same scenario having happened to me years ago. I pursed my lips, my smile fading and being replaced by a blank expression. Five years ago, the year 845, wasn’t a good one for me. Nor was it for anyone, a fact I eventually was to figure out. I breathed out, shuffling through my bag, flinging my jacket over my shoulder, and returning back to the castle. 

I passed by my scrubbing squadmates, wandering through the castle in search of some sort of well or barrel of water. I was quiet, stress building in my chest during my search, keeping an eye out while I began to slowly recognize each object throughout the winding hallways. I bit my bottom lip between my teeth, discovering a little too late that I was lost. The stone building was larger than it looked, and without so much as a sense of direction from Levi, it was no wonder I lost myself.

I stopped walking, trying desperately to hear any sort of mumble or sound of a broom to allow me even a tiny sense of my surroundings. The white noise was underwhelming, making me think I would be stuck in the monument forever until suddenly, my breath hitched in my throat as the sound of people whispering to one another filled my ears. They weren’t exactly doing their best not to be heard. 

I stepped closer, tip-toeing as to hear what they were discussing, immediately recognizing Petra’s voice. I felt a wave of relief wash over me, knowing all hope wasn’t lost. I listened in closer, eventually making out the words that escaped her mouth.

“...I heard that before Captain Levi joined the Survey Corps, he was a notorious thug in the underground market… I don’t know what happened, but apparently Commander Erwin brought him into the Corps...”

I blinked, surprised at the information I was taking in. Captain Levi, a thug? The 5’2, ill-mannered captain never struck me as the type, and I surprised myself by feeling...sympathy. I related to that, perhaps not to that degree, but his story, albeit a rumor, shocked and somewhat touched me.

He and I had more similarities than I thought. 

I drifted into my mind, wondering what else there was to my captain that I didn’t know about when I was forcefully ripped out of my thoughts by a rough hand grabbing vigorously at my shoulder, making me quickly inhale, shock starling me from where I stood. I whipped my head around, only to be met with the scowling eyes of Levi Ackerman himself, making my heart race from the sudden surprise I had received. 

“Eavesdropping, huh? I couldn’t find you anywhere, but I didn’t expect to find you  _ here _ .”

My heart rate didn’t lessen, my panicked eyes showing the fear I felt. His hand didn’t remove itself from my shoulder, making my pupils flicker to glance at them, then back at his narrow features.

“I’m sorry, Le-I mean, sir.” I apologized, anxiety only increasing after I almost called him by his informal name. “I got lost and ended up here.”

He didn’t look amused, shaking his head and removing his palm. “Don’t let it happen again. You’re not special and don’t get special privileges to slack off.”

I nodded furiously, allowing him to exit beside me and talk to Petra and whoever she was with. I dashed off to where he came from, hoping it would lead me to somewhere where I could clean. Luckily enough, I ended up in the castle courtyard, water well, soap, and drying rack all at the ready. I untensed, removing my jacket from its bag and kneeling beside my new supplies to start cleaning. I couldn’t get what I heard off my mind, the thoughts replaying and replaying, driving me mad. I didn’t understand why it made me so curious about him, wanting to know what was behind the person ordering us around like a shepherd does his sheep.

Perhaps the reason he treated me differently wasn’t that he hadn’t handpicked me like the others, but because he recognized our similarities between us long before I did. Perhaps the reason I suddenly gained an inquisitiveness was because I wanted to know how someone with such a similar backstory to me managed to end up a powerful, yet completely different type of person with the same goal in mind.

_ Kill the titans and become the best soldier alive. _

He managed to do it. I wanted to know how. There had to be more to this man. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cleaning took a long time.  _ Too _ long. By the time we were finally finished the daunting task, it was nightfall and we all gathered inside to eat. The dining table was old oak, long and thick. I sat beside an vacant chair and Petra’s seat, mindlessly picking away at my food with my fork. A steamed potato and a piece of cheap bread. The famish was still going strong, by the look of things. My eyes thirdly raised to look over my comrades, listening in to them talk about Eren’s abilities and the large-scale expedition they were planning on doing in thirty days, a trip Erwin was planning on hiring the raw recruits for. It was a dangerous idea, as the newbies didn’t exactly have the experience with real titans, and a large-scale expedition wasn’t the best source for their first try. Although hiring the teens fresh out of Training Corps wasn’t desirable, th government had thankfully upgraded from hiring people in other departments, such as the Military Police and the Garrison, two branches that specialized in completely different fields, and the last time they got involved the two departments were almost wiped out, a memory that hit a little too close to home.

Suddenly, I became aware of my surroundings and the uncomfortable silence that hung thick in the air. I looked away from my plate, noticing my entire squad and Eren staring at me. I furrowed my eyebrows, confusion washing over me.

“What?”

Gunther coughed into his shoulder quickly before answering my blunt question. “We asked what you thought about Commander Erwin’s plans.”

I shoveled some food into my mouth, turning my attention back to my plate and frowning. “I agree with it. It’s a hard decision, but a necessary one.”

The awkward silence subsided, starting a debate whether Erwin was in the right or not. Surprisingly, I was quite into politics, it was an interest of mine I liked to debate about. Somehow, the conversation shifted to Eren and his memories while being a titan. The non-existent ones. He couldn’t remember anything. More arguments and conversations spewed, leaving me to sit still, sipping at the piping tea Levi provided the squad. It was minty, fresh in contrast to its warmth. The liquid heated my body from the inside after I drank it, leaving me with a pleasant smile. I quite enjoyed tea, with it being one of the few luxuries we got within the walls. Me and Erwin had some friendly debates about which was better, the steeped water I enjoyed versus Erwin’s preference of modest alcohol. He wasn’t a drunk, far from it, being the commander of an  _ army _ , he simply enjoyed the taste of a quick swig of gin from time to time. 

I sighed, finishing my meal and placing my head in my folded arms. I missed Erwin, the conversations we had and the time we spent together. With all the bustle that came with Eren’s arrival, I hadn’t had a proper chat with him since I delivered him some flowers a week ago. My eyes drifted over to where Levi sat, remembering his shared connection with Erwin. Maybe that was why the man respected the commander so much.

He mentioned something about Hange I wasn’t paying attention to. I didn’t pay it much mind until, right on cue, Hange burst through the door, quickly greeted us, and ran over to sit down next to me, her chair clattering against the wood plank flooring. Levi rolled his eyes, resting his head against the palm of one of his hands, the other resting protectively overtop his teacup.

“Hello, Squad Levi! Hi, Eren! I’m going to be running the experiments on the titans that were captured the other day, and I’d like you to assist me.” She stated, talking a mile a minute while Eren sat there, a bewildered expression on his face.

I snickered to myself, the memories of being so intimidated by any role of authority the first time I joined the corps flooding back to me. When I first met Hange Zoe, I had thought she was insane. Manic, even, yet now that I knew her better, I understood she just got passionate about her research, and it came out in her detailed rants about each subject. It seemed Eren was her new victim.

Eren stammared over his words, the poor boy was confused as to what she meant by ‘experiment’. “I mean-” He started, eyebrows furrowed. “I can’t really say yes or no since I haven't had much authority over myself these days.”

So, instead of asking Eren, Hange turned to Levi, questioning what was on the agenda for the next day. Levi just grunted, and with a flick of his hand explained that all we were going to do was some yard cleanup.

The squad groaned in annoyance. The only one not upset being Oluo telling us to ‘suck it up’.

“You and I both know you don’t actually want to clean, Oluo.” I sighed, head planted in my arms. He scoffed, acting indifferent to my words, but the way he looked over at Captain Levi for approval didn’t go without notice.

After some discussion, Levi agreed to let Eren be the test subject for Hange’s experiments. They were lost in their own world over at their side of the table, leaving Squad Levi to sit by themselves, silently discussing their own separate topics. I stood up, circling the table and gathering my friends’ plates and stacking them to go wash. Of course, I didn’t want to continue my chores as much as any other member, but having spent most of my cleaning minutes lost in the giant castle, I felt I owed it to everyone to do the simple task.

No one seemed to notice my swift exit of the dining hall into the kitchen next door. Not that I minded. I knelt down in the other room, tying up my brown hair, and rolling up my sleeves. I plunged the dishes into the soapy water, watching carefully as the suds rolled off the plates as if it were smooth silk. I pulled out a cotton cloth, dried from the earlier day’s rays and rough to the touch. I dried off the first plate, and repeated my steps with the next dish, and the next. I yawned, sleep beginning to eat away at me and causing my eyes to feel heavy and my body to feel as though it were another weight I was burdened with carrying around. I enjoyed people and the company they brought along with them, but deep inside I was an introvert, and the many conversations I was subjected to had worn me out.

I overheard the distant sounds of footsteps growing louder from behind me, yet I didn’t move my head. My motions were almost robotic, continuing the task and hand while the stranger loomed behind me.

He coughed, gaining my attention. 

It was Levi.

I surprised myself, even, at the fact that I felt interest instead of irritation at his presence. I wanted to look into him, see how we differed. He intrigued me. A low hum escaped my lips, and I looked back behind me into his dark eyes, carrying on with washing the dishes. “Did you enjoy the cleaning today?”

He scoffed, crossing his arms. My pupils flickered to the limbs, raising an eyebrow at how skinny they were. He was humanity’s greatest soldier, and without seeing him in person you’d think he was built like Erwin, large stature and large muscles to match. Yet, Levi was different, he was short, shorter than me by an inch or two, and skinny to the point of being boney. He had tone to him, but it was far less than many of the Scout Regiment had to offer. That and his always-present scowl made him stick out like a sore thumb amongst the crowd.

“I don’t particularly  _ enjoy _ cleaning, I just enjoy a clean environment.”

He was so blunt, it made me giggle. He shifted his position in place, a little thrown off by my laughter. “What’s so funny, cadet?”

I turned face back to my dishes, a quarter the way done through the pile. The dishes were beginning to become an afterthought as I answered his question. “You’re so stoic, you know that?”

Instead of looking angry, he raised his eyebrows. He then closed his eyes, tipping the teacup he held upward to take a dramatic sip from it’s contents. “What do you mean? I always show off my emotions.”

I snorted, temporarily halting my task to catch myself laughing. With Levi, I couldn’t tell if he was being serious and stating what he believed to be true, or was joking around. Nethertheless, I found it amusing. “Like hell you do! I don’t think the famous Captain  _ Levi _ has ever been known for being  _ emotional  _ and  _ cuddly _ .”

When I glanced over my shoulder, I could swear I saw a smirk on the man’s lips before he hid it with his drink, which he took another sip of. My eyes softened, watching him drink the tea with a content look on his face. I smiled, attempting to finish up my chore before I took too long and missed out on my well-deserved sleep. Even after he had finished his drink and placed it on the side table, seemingly to be forgotten about, the table in which was made from unrefined wood that was obviously aged. He remained standing, the position looking rather uncomfortable.

“You can sit down, if you’d like. You don’t have to just stand there.” I stated, and he was hesitant. He reached for the chair, paused, yet carried on and sat down with his legs crossed. He looked so tense, my mind couldn’t help but swirl with thoughts as to why. 

“Why did  _ you _ become a soldier?” He asked out of the blue, making me wonder why he’d cite the conversation we’d had days ago out of nowhere. However, that didn’t stop me from answering, for no good reason whatsoever other than that he had asked me.

I licked my top lip, reminiscing in what had happened years ago. I doubted Levi would believe me, the court didn’t and neither did the government, but it was all on file if he accused me of lying. I sighed, deciding to grant him the information. “I escaped the walls when I was eighteen. I stole some ODM gear from the scouts, and left. I tried to kill a titan with a gun thinking it would work, and when it didn’t I almost died.”

He nodded, saying nothing and making my fingers tremble. I was always met with criticism for my story, and for some reason I desperately hoped the Captain wouldn’t be another to add to the list of people who didn’t believe me. I continued. “Erwin was there on a mission. He saved me and-” I sighed, realizing I had finished all the dishes. Levi was still listening with what could only be described as interest, yet I wasn’t sure, so I pretended to keep cleaning to buy me some time to talk. “I came home and I was accused of a crime I didn’t do. I didn’t have an alibi since no one believed I was outside the walls, but Erwin pulled through again and had his entire squad testify in my defense.”

I stopped pretending to wash the dishes like an idiot, I didn’t care. It was odd how opening the wound still felt so fresh and raw, hurting me in ways I forgot. I avoided reliving the moment for so long that now that I did I found myself holding back tears in front of my own Captain. It was weak, idiotic, so I made sure my voice didn’t waver, though the crack I couldn’t hide for sure didn’t go unoticable.

“I was found not guilty, but I had nowhere to go. Before all this, I was fending for my family to steal food so we wouldn’t starve, but now with all that gone, I had nothing. Erwin offered me a job in the scouts- and-” I took a deep breath to manage my breathing. “And I never looked back. I vowed I’d be the most useful soldier to him to repay what he’s done for me, even if that means laying my life on the line.”

I did it. I said it. Never did I think I’d finally be venting out my emotions to Levi Ackerman, yet there I was, kneeling on the floor by an empty water barrel like a maid, hands tucked in my legs whilst humanity’s strongest soldier listened to my sob story. Of course, I didn’t tell him  _ everything _ , but I told him enough that I immediately regretted it. I didn’t know why I had told him, a part of me wanted him to know, I suppose. Wanted him to know we weren’t so different. I awaited the scolding, or the scoff, or anything to show his displeasure, but it didn’t come.

There was only a silence. 

A silence that lasted far too long. I pinched my thigh to stop my trembling, but it did nothing but leave a small red mark. I winced, knowing I had received deeper cuts in my time slaying titans, but it unnerved me anyway. Finally, after what seemed like years, Levi broke the tensing silence. 

“You’re a capable soldier, O’Sullivan.”

My eyes widened, and I finally turned around to look at him. He had an awkward-kind of look to him, like he was almost...vulnerable. His cheeks were slightly tinted pink, and he avoided my gaze. “I see why Erwin recommended you.” He sighed, the brief second of vulnerability I saw leaving as he covered it up with his usual expression. “I still chose you, by the way. Though he said you’d be a good addition, it was still up to me whether you joined my squad or not.”

I bit my lip, furrowing my eyebrows and staring at the ground. “Do you think you made the right choice?”

He made eye contact with me. “I know I did.”


	3. Chapter 3

Days passed. We returned to the walls, having a singular day to rest ourselves before the big expedition that our squad was discussing earlier. It was moved a couple days ahead, giving us far less time to prepare ourselves. I groaned, muscles aching from pushing heavy weights above my head on the training ground, and the hot sun beating down on my face, causing me to sweat. I surely looked disgusting and didn’t entirely understand why it would be a good idea to work out the day before our big trip because we’d just be sore and tired by the time we actually had to kill titans.

I lay my weights to the side and took a moment to remain on my back, staring absent-mindedly at the sky above. It was only around noon, meaning I had a decent amount of time to myself, the time I didn’t want to be spent lifting weights. I huffed, lifting myself up, and stretching my arms. The limbs popped, gifting me the satisfying relief I needed.  _ Screw Levi. _ I thought, going to my room to freshen up.  _ He doesn’t really expect us to sit around on what could be the last days of our lives. He’s not even supervising us, so what’s stopping me from doing my own thing? _

I didn’t actually think it would be my final days, I had too much experience for that, yet the point didn’t go without notice. Any battle we entered, however large the scale was, posed a risk to humanity. It was a risk we were all willing to take as members of the Scout Regiment. 

Before I realized what I was truly doing, my feet carried me to the field beside Commander Erwin’s office. I suppose I wanted to give him a gift after the trouble he went through to secure our plan. It was taxing work, and I knew he liked the flowers I gave him, so I found myself gathering a small handful of varying types. White lilies and daffodils tied together by the ribbon I used to tie my hair up when cleaning. I had more, so it wasn’t that big of a sacrifice when I used it to tie the flower’s stems together to appear neat.

I knocked my knuckles once against the hardwood of his door before pulling the object open and walking inside. The commander was sitting patiently on his desk as he usually did, hands folded and eyes moving to look at me from where they were before, staring at Captain Levi, who was standing at the other side of the office. 

_ Crap _ .

So  _ that’s _ where he was. Just my luck, he was inside Erwin’s office too, giving me an odd look in contrast to Erwin’s put-together smile. Levi almost appeared disheveled, dark circles under his eyes and hair not put together in the tidy curtain-part it was usually in. I was taken aback, surprised to see our notorious clean freak looking so unnerved. He didn’t even appear angry that I had abandoned my exercises, confusing me further. 

He avoided my gaze whilst Erwin gave me a friendly greeting. I hadn’t realized I didn’t respond until Levi finally looked up at me briefly before furrowing his eyebrows and shooting his stare back at the floor. I narrowed my eyes, focusing my attention back on the commander in front of me. 

“Sorry to interrupt. I wanted to come by before our expedition tomorrow.” I said, placing the flowers on the tabletop and meeting his eyes. “Oh, and here.”

He smiled warmly, making me smile in turn and he took the gift and thanked me. My cheeks flushed up at his appreciation, and I raked a quick hand through my hair. “You’re welcome. I can get going, if you’d li-”

“No, stay.” He waved a hand to a chair next to where Levi stood. “We haven't talked in a while.”

“Okay.” I moved to the chair, sitting myself down with my hands in my lap. I felt beyond nervous, the exact reason I wasn’t sure. I got a weird aura from the room, making me wonder what the two were discussing before I’d arrived. The Captain was still avoiding my eye, staring anywhere but me or Erwin’s face. 

“So…” Erwin sat back in his chair, his curious expression causing my nerves to rise. “What’s your take on the situation?”

I bit my lip, eyes narrowing. “What situation, sir?”

He let out a low chuckle from under his breath. His voice was bold and masculine, unlike most of the men in my squad who were the same age as me. Erwin was older than me, more mature for sure. He was around his late thirties-early forties, around fifteen or so years older than me. It was no wonder he was such an influence in my life. He had the raw scouting experience I craved.

“I meant the situation with Yeager. What do you think?”

I licked my lips, thinking of what to say. Though I did enjoy politics and was present in the trial that saved Eren’s life, I didn’t know him personally, nor his intentions. I trusted whatever judgment Erwin made, as he was more often than not right about people and what to do with them. “I think you’re handling it well. We need to test out the boy’s abilities to see if he’ll be a useful asset to humanity or not.”

It was the most generic answer, but in all honesty, I wasn’t too sure what he wanted me to say. I didn’t have the authority to make a proper statement, so it made me question whether he wanted my opinion as his friend or as his soldier. He exhaled, not of irritation but rather it was him thinking. Thinking about what I’d said. I felt the butterflies in my stomach flutter.  _ Does he suspect me of something? _

Almost reading my thoughts, he shook his head. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you that. I have one more question though, if you’re comfortable. I just like to know your opinion on things.”

I watched him intently, waiting patiently for what he’d say next. I couldn’t help but glance quickly beside me at Levi, who was still standing there, but now watched me out of the corner of his eye. 

“What do you think of the titan test subject’s deaths? Who do you think killed them?”

“Huh?” I furrowed my eyebrows. It wasn’t a secret in the Scout Regiment that Squad Leader Hange had captured two live titans, and was performing tests on said beasts. I hadn’t seen the tests performed in person, but I overheard the different things she was doing and how it affected them. It was a big step up for humanity and could’ve helped us all figure out new things about the monsters keeping us caged and how they functioned. To hear that they were murdered shocked me. “They were killed?”

Erwin gave me a solemn nod, reaching down inside his desk to pull out a handful of files. They sat in a neat pile on his desk, allowing him to turn them in my direction. I stood up from my chair, moving to go read them. They discussed the height and weights of the two titans before they were killed, the time frame possible for the murders, and other factors to help figure out what had happened. The document explained that the only way the killer could’ve gotten away was by ODM gear, so it was most likely a scout who had killed the beasts. The specific part was underlined to show its importance, and I almost immediately understood why Erwin asked me my opinion on it.

My curious gaze hardened, and I looked back up at him and met his expression. “Are you asking me because you want my opinion, or because you suspect me?”

My voice was calm, but the hint of anger didn’t pass Erwin and his keen ear. Instead of denying it like I thought he would, he stated “It’s a possibility. You’re the only one we know of that’s successfully stolen ODM gear without being in the scouts.”

I was silent. 

“But…” He continued. “You don’t have a motive, so I personally don’t believe it was you. I know you enough that I don’t think you’d stray far against the scouts for no reason. In all honesty, I just thought you’d have some good input having done what you did years ago.”

I didn’t know whether to be angry or flattered that he instantly thought of me after two titans were killed- a crime against the Survey Corps as a whole. I was no criminal, sure I was as a teenager, but it had been years since then and the only two people who knew about that past were standing in the room with me. Though Levi wasn’t aware of the extent, it didn’t change the fact that I was under suspicion by the two people who knew me the best.

“Okay, well in my opinion you should check the gear. See if people are missing something. Back in the day, I didn’t return the ODM gear I stole in case you guys could check to see if it was tempered with. If it was a robbery, the same thing would probably occur.” 

He nodded again, glancing swiftly outside his window to see the sun setting. He exhaled, turning to me once more, his chiseled jaw tightening as he swallowed. His pale skin reflected the orange glow emanating from his window, his eyes almost shining when he looked at me. He smiled a little, turning his focus back to the documents at hand. “Well, thank you, Rose. I was actually thinking the same thing. Make sure you’re prepared for the journey tomorrow.”

“I will, thank you too, Erwin,” I said, stepping toward the door. I had almost forgotten entirely that Levi was there until I caught his eye on my way out, his throat bobbing as he took a harsh swallow. I narrowed my eyebrows, his odd actions confused me further until I stopped mid-way through the door frame to turn around and say goodnight to Erwin. He returned the gesture, allowing me dismissal to do as I pleased until tomorrow. 

I breathed in the fresh air once I finally exited the building, surprised at how much time had passed. I could feel the tinge of disappointment in my chest, knowing my final night of relaxation had been spent under suspicion by the commander. Though I enjoyed any time I spent with him, the entire time I could feel the uncertainty burning on the skin until the very end, when they finally laid off. I sighed, allowing the tension building on my shoulders to release as I started my descent to the barracks for dinner. My stomach was tightening with hunger, a familiar feeling for me, yet one I could finally quench with the food provided to the scouts. Back when I lived in Wall Maria, famine and starvation were something you saw in your day-to-day. I would occasionally steal from the richer people, taking the food and money we couldn’t afford. We had our own farm, small and quaint but in the shadier part of the walls. By shadier, I meant it was both by definition, crime-ridden yet also in the part of town where the sun barely shined. It made growing crops hard.

I was happy to have at least a full meal every day. Grateful, even. 

I reached the dining area, sitting with my squad while grabbing a plate to eat. It didn’t surprise me to see everyone chatting amongst each other about the trip tomorrow, wondering about one thing or another. I participated briefly in the idle chat, laughing along with the jokes Petra and Gunther made. Eld and Oluo were surprisingly quiet, though Eld didn’t shock me, Oluo usually was the loudest in our group. I followed their stare, breath hitching in my throat when I saw what they were looking out outside the glass-paned window.

A scout was preparing a cart.  _ The _ cart. They used the wooden object every expedition, and it was well-known amongst all the different branches. Hell, it was well known even amongst the common folk.

It was the cart they used to carry the bodies of soldiers back, or at least, whatever was left of them to give to the families. 

Once, months ago, I was assigned to inform a family about their fallen son, and all I had to give them was his index finger. Their faces were something I’d never forget for the rest of my life. Anytime anyone saw the cart, even in the corner of their eye, it would bring feelings of dread and terror in the pit of their stomach. Any day, anytime, that could be you. That could be  _ your _ lifeless body they pulled back home, only having been used as more titan food. It was the terrifying reality we all had to face eventually, whether we liked it or not.

I ripped my attention away from the grim reminder of death, choosing to instead start to eat the bowl of soup laid out for us. It was hot to the touch, the boiling liquid causing a numb burning sensation on my tongue. I flinched, moving my spoon further from my face to blow cool air on the liquid to cool it down. It worked somewhat, gaining me access to tasting it’s contents. It turns out I was wrong in assuming it was soup, the meal was actually beef-and-potato stew, something that was more of a rarity than the usual stale bread and vegetables we were given to eat. Meat was more expensive in the walls, a fact that made me suspicious as to why they’d hand it out in stew to the entire Scout Regiment. 

It hit me.

They didn’t think a lot of us would survive.

It was of course a given that many of us would die during this trip, but the fact they were giving us all more expensive meals made me wonder why they chose to  _ now _ act like it was our final meal, since we’d definitely gone on worse exterior scouting missions with a higher chance of death. It made me think over the reasons why, and I came to the simple conclusion that Erwin was hiding something from us. I didn’t fault him for that, as commander it was inevitable there would be things we couldn’t know about, but when it considered the lives of everyone I knew so much so that we’d have our final meal pre-prepared for us, I felt a tad taken aback.

By the looks of Eld, I assumed he thought the same thing as me. We made brief eye-contact, giving one another a look that said  _ What the hell is this about _ ?

My lips parted, eyes darting to our captain, who showed up right at that time to tell us to ‘Go off and prepare yourselves.’ I frowned. He knew. He had to know.

I stood up, gathering my empty dishes and giving Eld a quick nod and motion to follow me before leaving toward the nearest sink to wash the clattering bowl and utensils I held. I heard him padding behind me until I reached my destination, and by his silence to Levi, I knew he understood the pure extent in which I suspected this reached. After dropping the dishes in the sink, I turned around and stared Eld in the eye.

“They think we’re going to die.” I blurted out, and Eld simply moved his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. His expression didn’t show malice or fear, rather, it showed frustration with the situation we were forced into.

“Yeah, you realized that too, huh?”

We were quiet and still in place, the defining emptiness in the air could only be described as the acknowledgment of what we were going to have to face. He tied his dusty blond hair into a bun, sighing and wiping a hand across his chin, the skin grazing against the stubble on his face. I was always fond of Eld, not in a romantic sense, but more as he was just a relaxed person who always managed to calm everyone down. The man was very level-headed and intelligent. A soldier of real respect and deserving of being Captain Levi’s second-in-command. 

He sighed, finally deciding to break the silence. “Should we tell the squad?”

“No.” I shook my head, staring him dead in the eye. He stared back, giving each other a silent acknowledgment of the commitment we were going to take. My pupils didn’t leave him as I spoke further.

“We’ll lay down our lives on the battlefield, and die for the Survey Corps like true soldiers.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I walked myself through the hallways, hunger long gone after my conversation with Eld. My hands felt clammy, and I cursed at myself under my breath. I hated it. Hated the way my frame trembled while I walked, and hated the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I knew it was pathetic, and the disdain I felt didn’t change, even an hour after the conversation I’d had occurred. I knew deep inside that I was definitely willing to lay down my life for the Survey Corps, and no matter what, I’d be sure to do that, yet it was beginning to hit me that the 57th Expedition Beyond the Wall would probably be my last, and in the years of experience I had in the Scout Regiment I had obviously considered my death, but it was simply starting to feel much more real.

It seemed like a stretch, but I knew how the scouts worked. I understood how they functioned, and I was going to go down more than willing to die. 

_ Then why do I feel like I’m about to vomit? _

I tried to brush it off, deciding not to focus on it. It would simply unnerve me more, and I had no time for that. I wanted to enjoy my final bits of time off, and besides, I was good at what I did, ranking my kill count above the rest of the squad, other than Levi. If anyone could pull through, it was the Special Operations Squad. Another thing that settled me was the fact Erwin could simply be concerned about the new recruits, not everyone. Though the meal was served to the entire Corps, the freshly graduated students were the most at risk when it came to titans and the outside, not having the real-life experience like the rest of us have had. I let out a sigh, changing my focus to my destination in front of me. I finally reached the door of my room, forgetting what I was there for momentarily before it came back to me. It was routine, really. Every time I had the chance and didn’t have sleep consuming me from my usual endeavors, I liked to read. Of course, reading wasn’t new or interesting in the walls, but the thing about my rendezvous was the placement. When I attempted to read in the barracks, I was scolded more often than not for having a lantern on late in the night and waking everyone up. I tried to read in Hange’s quarters, but she would be the one to stay up instead, distracting me from my literature. Hell, I had even tried Erwin’s room, but I would get far too nervous and I wouldn’t be able to focus.

That left only a few places, Levi’s quarters which was out of the question, the common room for eating, and the spot I inevitably ended up choosing months ago.

Wall Rose itself.

A dangerous prospect I usually hid from my squad. It was inevitable that I’d end up in serious trouble if people found out, so I kept the secret, even from Petra and Hange. It was my safe space. My moment’s peace. 

I stepped out of the barrack's building with my book, strapped up in my ODM gear as the fresh air hit my face. I breathed in, smelling the slight scent of earth and wood. It was a pleasant scent. I scanned over the area, making sure no other cadets or superior officers were in sight. I was well respected for being in Levi’s squad, we all were, so if a new recruit or someone underneath me happened to pass by and spot me, I was more than certain they’d let it pass. I strode toward the wall, preparing myself for the large climb ahead. It was nothing I hadn’t done before, yet it was still a taxing task in of itself. My thumbs and index fingers brushed against the triggers of my maneuvering gear, before pressing harder and releasing the grapple. It gripped hard onto the stone wall, yanking me forward until the soles of my feet collided with the fifty-foot barrier, a shoot of pressure tingled across my body, causing me to take a sharp inhale before steadying myself. I snuck a peek over my shoulder to make sure no one was there and used my free hand that wasn’t supporting myself to shoot one grapple higher, pulling on it to check its stability, then hauling myself upward. I repeated these actions until I reached the top, panting and out of breath. I stepped onto the flattened top, reeling in my grapples and sitting down. I had been using ODM gear for years, but swinging with it through the city or through forests was completely different than using it to rock climb up a fifty-meter-high wall. 

It was worth it though, looking at the view. The difference between looking at the outside when you were in peril danger and now, safe and free was harm was definitely present and brought a smile to my face. From the height I was at, I could view every twinkling star contrasting the night sky, the pure length stretching far beyond what my eye could see. I reached into my satchel and pulled out the novel I brought with me. It was a decently large book I was in the process of reading, and I had gotten to around the halfway point last time I came up, which was weeks ago. Now that I finally had a moment to myself, I looked out and smiled to myself. The scenery never changed since the first time I’d climbed the wall in the year 845, even after Wall Maria was breached, the sky never changed.

I liked that. Liked re-living the first breath of freedom I’d ever gotten.

Sure, the only difference was the location. When I first started climbing, I’d go sit atop Wall Maria instead, finding I was able to see the outside world better, but it ended up being too long of a journey for a night of reading, so I moved my spot to Wall Rose. It was right beside my barracks, so it made things simpler and I didn’t need to be reminded of the bloody titans clawing at the wall to try and get it.

It disturbed my reading. I remembered the first time I made eye-contact with one of the monsters while reading. It looked at me like it knew. Like it knew we both shouldn’t be there. That disturbed me more than any half-eaten corpse I could stumble upon, and maybe that’s what really pushed me to move. 

I was engrossed in my book, swinging my legs over the side facing Maria while I relived the events being told to me. I was so engrossed, I completely got lost in the pages and forgot entirely about my surroundings. The main character was thrown into a bed of corpses, the corpses of the people he’d allowed to die. He had the chance to tell them, but out of selfishness and an unwillingness to change his morals they’d perished, and he was suffering in an eternal hell for his sins. I hated this character. Though the book was good, I found him intriguing at first, but the more I read and the more actions he did my hatred grew stronger.

The wind howled in my ears, causing me to shiver and close my book. My eyes glanced downward, and I quickly came to realize how close I was to falling off the edge of the wall, so I turned around and made for the middle, yet stopped mid-walk. 

I heard the sound of ODM gear releasing and grappling onto the wall. 

I froze, mind racing of what to do next. Any way I went I could be caught, but before I could think up a decent plan, the sound of footsteps and a voice echoed through my ears.

“Trying to run away? You do know that’s punishable by death, O’Sullivan.”

I whipped my head toward Wall Rose, eyes widening at the sight of my raven-haired captain, one eyebrow raised while he looked me over.

“No,” I said, biting my lip while I stared him in the eye. “I was reading.”

I expected a scolding, a harsh statement or even a punishment, but he didn’t. Levi simply clicked his tongue before stepping toward me. “What book?”

I blinked, mouth dry from my previous fear and heartbeat still speeding up. I took a deep breath, before taking out the novel and showing him the cover. “Hell’s War, by Elmond Micheals.”

His narrowed eyes scanned over the cover, no readable expression on his face. His pupils flickered back to mine, and I could almost see interest on his face. “I’ve read it before, it’s good.”

My previous fear vanished, replaced with an excited grin. I adored talking about reading with people, but most of my fellow members in the Survey Corps were either dead or didn’t have time or an interest in reading. To hear someone share my love for books makes my chest feel as though it were glowing. I sat down on the ledge again, not as close but enough that my legs swung off. I patted the spot beside me for him to sit and started raving.

“What do you think of the main character? Don’t spoil it, though. I’m only on chapter twenty-three.”

He was hesitant to sit beside me, pausing as if he was reconsidering being up here before he sat down, legs centimeters from touching mine. He exhaled, avoiding my eyes and looking down at the buildings of Maria before answering. “I think his morals got in the way of things, but at least he had them. That can’t be said for a lot of people.”

My face showed my enthusiasm about the topic. Levi finally looked at me, eyebrows furrowing and mouth opening to say something, but it closed quickly after and he looked back at the town. He confused me, if he hated me or not I wasn’t entirely sure, yet I wanted to figure out. This was my chance. My one chance before we would be thrown into the outside to go on an expedition that may kill us.

“So…” I kicked my legs back on fourth, leaning back to face the sky. It was gorgeous. “I’ve come to realize something.”

“And what might that be?” His question wasn’t hesitant like I thought it would be. It was quick, almost like he panicked. It was far from the likely reality, but it made me all the more confused.

“We’re not that different. I’ve been seeing a lot of similarities between us.” I turned my head, looking at his expression. It was blank, and he still refused to meet my eye. I frowned, eyebrows pressed together in concern. “I think you see it too.”

“And why does that matter? You’re still in my squad, if we have similar backgrounds it doesn’t change anything.” His teeth were clenched, and if I knew anything, it would be that talking about it would hurt. He had a point, though. I had wondered the same thing before, asking myself day after day why I cared that we were similar, most people were poor and had resorted to stealing, so what made him and I so different from the world? Nothing did. I realized the answer that evening. 

“Because you shouldn’t have to suffer alone.”

His gaze altered to meet mine, and I could really take in the sight. His eyebrows were knitted together in an expression I couldn’t name, but his eyes showed it all. The dark circles and pained pupils made my heart ache, because when I looked into the mirror, I saw the same ones. He didn’t say anything, so I kept talking.

“You’ll never admit it, but shit sucks and you don’t have everything under control. You shouldn’t have to, and I think the reason I want to help you so bad is because I know how it feels. I had people there for me and you don’t. _ I _ want to be there.”

“And what makes it any of your business? I’m your superior if you don’t-”

“Because we’re the Survey Corps. We’re here to make the world a better place and that doesn’t exclude you. I’d do this for anyone who went through the same thing, if that makes you feel better.”

He tore his stare away from me again, allowing a rough expel of breath to leave his lips. In reality, I knew there had to be more to why I wanted to help, but delving into my emotions wasn’t in my best interest. It would just lead to far more confusion, and I was already confused myself.

“If you don’t want me to help or I got it wrong, just tell me and I’ll leave you alone.” I pulled myself upward, standing up and adjusting my gear. “I do get carried away with my conspiracy theories so I wouldn’t put it past me to get it wrong again.”

I waited for his response. Heart sinking when he didn’t say anything. I felt...sad. I had hoped he would want my help, despite knowing it was likely he wouldn’t. Before I was a part of Levi’s Squad, I hadn’t wanted to get close to anyone either, worried they’d die as most of them usually did. I was the one cursed with life. Cursed with living whilst all my comrades got eaten alive. It made me not want to converse with anyone, anxiety eating away at me for even suggesting I could comfort my squad captain, a person known to all for being intimidating and merciless. My cheeks burned in embarrassment, and I soon understood the memo he was giving me. I gave a solemn nod before stepping toward the Wall Rose side, preparing myself to climb down when I felt a hand grip powerfully on my wrist, before immediately trailing down to my palm. It seemed like he remembered the anxiety I had gotten weeks prior. 

I spun my head around, shocked that he had stopped me. I wasn’t expecting that.

He didn’t say anything. He remained silent, yet his calloused hand didn’t leave mine. My face softened at the contact, moving my hand within his grasp to interlock my fingers with his. Levi’s hard hand went limp in comparison to mine, but I paid no mind as I took my seat back beside him. He still didn’t look at me, but I was still more than happy he showed any sort of vulnerability. Even for me now, it was hard, so I had no idea how hard it must’ve been for him. 

We sat still, watching the sky from our seat on the wall. Somehow, though Wall Rose was my spot for when I wanted to be alone, it felt more satisfying to share the experience with someone else. Even if that someone was my squad captain. I enjoyed the quiet, and almost forgot entirely about the hand resting with mine, the only reminder of it being the warmth radiating off his palm. He finally made a noise that alerted me to his presence, a dramatic breath and a shuffle of him moving. He got up, raking a hand through his dark undercut and closing his eyes.

“You should get some rest.” He said. “We’ll be fighting titans tomorrow.”

I felt a small bit of disappointment flash through me, but tried not to let it show as I got up too. “You should too. Get some sleep, Levi.”

We made eye contact, his piercing pupils softer than they were usually.  _ I called him by his name.  _ My mind raced.  _ I actually called him by his- _

“Stay safe, Rose.”

I blinked, the only evidence of him being the distant sound of his ODM gear as he climbed down the wall. My stomach fluttered in a pleasant way, and I felt my cheeks tint pink.

_ Shit. _


	4. Chapter 4

The rumble of Wall Rose’s gate opening shook my body like a leaf. My horse snorted, clearly distressed by the sheer amount of people and other horses crowding around us. It was finally the day, the 57th Expedition Beyond the Walls was about to commence, and I felt internally grateful that I’d gotten some sleep last night. Erwin was leading the large gathering of scouts, and following close behind him was Hange, Miche, Dita, and Levi, the section commanders and second in command to Commander himself. I stood along with my squad, brushing the mane of my mare to calm the animal down while I listened to the idle chatter of Wall Rose’s citizens. Mostly criticism, as they usually did. I wished I was more like Eld in that regard, the fact that he never let the murmurs get to him. I had spoken to him about it once, asking him how he managed to not get angry after his fellow scouts got eaten in front of him, and the only bit of sympathy he received from the public was them whining about their stupid tax dollars. He had just shrugged it off and told me that they’d feel the same as us in our situation except they’d die faster. That made me laugh, despite knowing his view on things wouldn’t change the raw anger boiling at my skin whenever the citizens I was trying to protect complained about their stupid cash.

Gunther cheered about taking over the wall, the following cheers making my head spin. I turned to glance at my group, making quick eye contact with Eld, who gave me a sharp nod before he faced forward again. We were told to advance, and my steed bolted forward along with the others, Erwin’s voice and commands being engraved into its mind as it was mine. I didn’t look back at the Karanes District, knowing it would just make me homesick already when my trip had just begun. I had packed some food and water, thankfully. Enough to keep me alive for a couple extra days in case I got lost. That had happened once, years back. When I first joined the Corps I wasn’t too familiar with the customs yet, so I was quick to lose my group and just my luck, it was winter at the time and I was stuck alone in the freezing temperatures for three days. I wasn’t injured, thankfully, and made it back in one piece. That action in of itself was what impressed Erwin enough to suggest me to Levi.

The titans in Wall Maria were rounded up, allowing for a couple of easy shots from some volunteers. Petra increased her speed, slowing her horse down beside mine as we galloped along with the rest of the scouts.

“It’s kinda crazy seeing so many people, huh?” She asked eyes scanned over the large formation of Survey Corps members. Her ginger hair bounced in tune with her horse as she rode, eyes wide with interest. “How long has it been since something of this scale has happened?”

“Not long enough.” I groaned, though I was surprised at the numbers too, it didn’t stop my pessimistic attitude. “How many of these guys will even end up coming back?”

“Psh, Rose, don’t say things like that.” She huffed, turning to look at me. “If you say stuff like that out loud, it’ll come true, you know.”

“Okay, okay. Sorry, Petra.” I forgot to change my attitude with who I was talking to sometimes. Eld and I usually made dark jokes and pessimistic remarks to cope with what we’ve seen, but Petra and Oluo were both usually against that kinda talk. Gunther was usually more upbeat about that kind of thing, trying his best to keep us motivated and prepared for battle. I appreciated him for that.

Me and Petra stopped talking, and instead chose to focus our attention back upfront. The outer gate was approaching sooner than I’d expected, meaning we were close to exiting the safety of the walls. I clenched my teeth, body tense in preparation for the journey ahead, and the pain the Regiment was about to endure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the hours passed, the only thing that changed in my attitude was how tense my muscles were. It didn’t take long for us to get outside the walls, but after the first rush of adrenaline died down, all that was left was a long journey ahead on horseback. Eren was riding with us, and it was decently amusing to see how determined he was even though we weren’t doing anything just yet. Oluo rode alongside him, badgering the teen about one thing or another making me snort. Petra rolled her eyes, not even bothering to glance at Oluo and his ramblings. I knew she didn’t actually hate Oluo, but rather just hated him trying to act so much like Lieutenant Levi, even their haircuts were the same. When his actual personality shone through, Petra seemed to really enjoy his company. It was a shame he’d never listen to our wants of him to act like himself. 

Levi had met up with us earlier on, leading our group to the destination we were required at. He was silent in front, eyes not faltering from the objective in front of him. I sighed, leaning my forehead on the neck of my horse. Thankfully it was trained to follow the others, so I didn’t need to steer much and had a moment to relax. The sound of clopping horseshoes echoed in my ears, nothing out of the ordinary until a rough hand smacked the back of my head, causing me to yelp in surprise and sit back upright.

“Ow, Oluo what the hell?” I asked, not  _ really _ feeling any pain but the rudeness of the action causing me to blurt out the statement. Oluo huffed, scoffing as if I were a bug waiting to be squashed under his food. 

“You shouldn’t be sleeping on the job.” He rolled his eyes so far I feared they’d roll into his skull. I gave a dramatic exhale out my nose, answering his statement with irritation laced into my tone.

“I wasn’t asleep, and anyway, you should-”

I paused, the distant sound of a flare gun ringing in my ears. Me and Oluo whipped our heads around, eyes widening. Levi stopped his horse momentarily, raising a single hand up to stop us in our tracks. The force of my horse stopping so abruptly caused my hair to toss into my face. I blew it away, painfully aware that I should tie my hair when I go out on missions, but I liked the feeling of the wind blowing through my locks. I swiped my tongue over my top lip, furrowing my brows at the inky black shade the flare shot into the sky.

“An anormal?!” Eren asked, surprise laced into his voice.

“It happens more often than you'd think.” I sighed, turning my attention to my captain. “Should we listen to what that guy from before had to say?”

“Of course we will.” He huffed, not bothering to even give a glance back at me. “Eren, fire it off and then we’ll move out.”

With a quick ‘yes sir’, the next flare was shot and our formation Erwin had given the Scouts was beginning to unravel. I wasn’t too worried, as stuff like this happened all the time in the Survey Corps, but the closer and closer Titan Forest came into view, the more I started to wonder what the real plan was to begin with. No one said anything other than Eren’s occasional questions, the unnerving silence eating away at me until we got so close to the forest that it was undeniable where we were headed.

“Wait, Titan forest?” Eren asked, shooting his eyes from tree to tree. “We’ll never be able to detect titans from in here!”

Having had enough, Levi finally spoke up. “Quit your whining. It’s good use for our vertical maneuvering gear. Think about that for a start.”

Eren took a thick swallow, looking over his shoulder then back up front. The poor kid was sweating, nerves on full display to the entirety of the Corps. Petra and I shot one another a quick flicker of equal parts confusion and trust, our small interaction being interrupted by the vibrating sounds of running from behind us. 

Eren was swift to point it out, and this time, it was all of us who looked behind us, only to be eye-to-eye with a large titan a few kilometers back. I didn’t get a good look, choosing to instead whip my head around to await further instructions of what to do with this thing.

Gunther called for the squad to switch off our horses to our ODM gear, a good decision considering the pure speed the titan was running at. I was about to jump off my horse when a scout I didn’t know leaped on ahead, attempting to cut the nape of the titan’s neck, but failing when he was grabbed and crushed into a bloody mess. My eyes widened, along with the rest of my squad as fear started sinking in our chests. I swallowed the panic raw in my throat and forced my horse to go faster, the speed of which making my stomach sick with nausea. 

“Captain, Levi, what are your orders?!” Oluo yelled over the loud stomping, his voice and the noise combined making my head ache.

“Cover your ears.”

I pressed the palms of my hands as hard as I could against my ears to block out the noise, having to use my legs to stabilize myself on my horse. He yanked a device from his pocket, and I immediately recognized it as the Scout’s sound grenade. I pressed against my ears harder as he fired it into the air then tossed the empty canister behind him to be forgotten about. The fragments from the object sprinkled onto mine and my squad’s faces, causing me to sneeze. I let go of my ears finally, the clop sounds coming from behind us not stopping as the chase continued. Eren asked for the umpteenth time what the mission truly was, and finally, Levi got sick enough of the questions to answer.

“We’re protecting you or we’ll die trying.”

Eren’s face made very visible by his hair whipping behind him due to the speed our horses were running at, went pale at the captain’s words. There were two people left fighting the titan as we continued on horseback, as Levi ordered. I watched as Eren’s whole demeanor changed. He looked conflicted as his panicked eyes flickered from the people fighting the abnormal, to us, and to his palm, the source of his titan-shifting ability. He was debating whether he should use his power or not. I bit my lip, drowning out the pleas from Petra not to do it, and to trust us while Eren stared into her eyes like she as telling him to murder someone. And when we heard the disgusting squelch of a body being crushed in the titan’s hands, we knew he thought he was responsible. 

He had to learn not all deaths were his fault.

Yet he made eye contact with Petra and lowered his hand, showing his trust for the Levi Squad as a whole. Levi’s orbs softened, then hardened just as quickly when he finally raised his voice for the first time that day “FULL SPEED AHEAD, WE’LL GET AWAY!”

I trusted his judgment, despite the abnormal titan running full speed in our direction. I didn’t say anything, instead of focusing on the path in front of us Levi wanted us to go forward on. The sound of the titan running increased, and my grip on the reins tightened so hard my knuckles went pale. The titan’s shadow overcast in front of us, showing to me its perimeter without me having to look back. The rumbling shaking earth’s very core only increased as well, my body feeling like it were being blended and churned like freshly made butter. Its hand, made of thick muscle rather than skin reached toward us, the sound of my heartbeat beating painfully against my ribcage echoed louder in my ears than the footsteps from directly behind me. I embraced death, holding back the urge to squeeze my eyes shut and flinch when a burst of smoke whipped past from behind me, the force causing my head to whip forward. More boom sounds followed, along with even more smoke and unrecognizable voices of yelling. I finally turned back, shocked to see the titan that was previously chasing us, now tied standing upright by a million ropes holding the thing in place.

A smile stretched onto my face, my wide eyes not leaving for a second as I laughed in surprise and relief. The panicked sound sounded more like a laugh of mania than joy, but previously thinking myself a dead woman and now finding our biggest predator tied up and defenseless made my disbelief justified. My horse lowered its speed, eventually coming to a good pace along with the rest of my squad who cheered with excitement and power. Save for Levi, which when I looked around me with a smile on my face to see his expression, was met with nothing but Eren telling me he went to meet up with Commander Erwin and had left Eld in charge. That wasn’t rare, but still, I couldn’t help the sink in my chest at the realization. As I looked around me at the sheer number of scouts working, it soon became clear to me what had happened. Erwin had it organized from the beginning that we would be used as bait to lure the titan in, so we could capture the beats in a trap he and the others had set up. It was a good plan. I gleaned upward and made eye-contact with the commander, who simply smiled at me, and turned back to talking to Levi, all without taking his eyes off me.

My heart fluttered as I continued to follow my squad to our next destination. A tree to sit and catch our breath on.

We sat on its thick branches, sweat pouring off our flushed faces and eyes dead with mental exhaustion. Even in the Survey Corps, it wasn’t every day that the Levi Squad accepted their own deaths. I panted, hand clutching desperately at my heart that refused to calm down after the whole ordeal. Eld gave a tired laugh under his breath before carefully patting my back in a way to say ‘good job.’

While Oluo, Petra, and Eren had an argument over whether he respected the captain or not, me, Eld, and Gunther sat together, staring absent-mindedly into the distance.

“Guess we beat the odds.” I sighed.

“What do you mean?” Eld asked, earning me the same confused expression from Gunther.

“We didn’t die.”

Gunther narrowed his eyes, questioning what I meant by that. It was then I remembered that me and Eld had decided not to tell anyone. I scratched the back of my neck, leaning backward slightly and staring at the sky covered by a thick layer of tree leaves. 

“Me and Rose thought we were being served like- our last meals or something the other day so we kind of expected to die or something. Turns out it was probably for the rookies after all.”

Gunther shook his head, a smile growing on his lips. “And you didn’t tell us?”

“We pledged to die anyway so there was no need and besides…” I took a deep breath, trying to control my previous panicked breathing. “We didn’t want to freak you guys out and throw you off.”

Gunther gave in and agreed it was fair, saying how he would’ve died if push came to shove. We all agreed, since that was the idea of joining the Corps to begin with. If you lived in the scouts for longer than a year, you were a lucky one. We progressed in our comfortable silence, simply enjoying our company together and being thankful we were all still standing. Even Oluo, Petra, and Eren came to sit alongside us and stare into the never-ending abyss of trees.

It was a moment of peace.

That was, until a sudden cry of pain echoed through the branches of the forest and whipped into our ears.

It was the sound of the titan from before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Seriously, again?” I groaned, getting up and adjusting my blades only to have a rough hand pull me back onto the branch.

“Just wait. Levi told Eld to stay here, and until he or someone higher up says otherwise, we should do that.” Gunther said, staring dead into my eye and making me nod, comply, and sit back down.

It took a solid ten minutes for a scout to arrive and tell us to head back, an order I was surprised but wasn’t upset to hear. I was exhausted from the hours we’d spent riding horseback and was glad to finally be able to go home. Though home wasn’t much better than the wilderness we were stuck in, it was a hell of a lot better than being chased to our near-death by a titan you didn’t even get a good look of. We decided on using our ODM gear, swinging through the trees together as Petra and Oluo continued to argue about god-knows-what. Petra thanked Eren for helping, and Oluo continued spewing that he was ‘just another rookie’ and that ‘he did far better on his first expedition’.

Eld was quick to shut him down, saying “Well, I seem to remember both you  _ and  _ Petra pissing yourselves like babies on your first time out.”

I giggled in my free hand, the memories replaying in my head while Petra and Oluo  _ insisted _ that that wasn’t the case. 

“Eren,  _ I _ didn’t piss myself,” Eld said, the lack of a readable emotion on his face making my laughing only increase.

“To be fair I tried using guns on my first time out thinking that would work so I’m not much better.” I chuckled, earning a shocked expression and even more curious questions from the new recruit.

“Your first time out was like, a million years ago you’ve been in the Scouts for so long.” Oluo laughed, and I scrunched my eyebrows with a smirk.

“I literally turn twenty-four this year! Who are you to talk when-” I paused my sentence, pupils shooting to an area through the trees. I stopped mid-swing, shooting an extra grapple for support as I narrowed my eyes at the object I thought I saw.

I was unfortunately right.

My squadmates stopped beside me, following my gaze and stopping at the flare rising up from not too far away. Gunther said he’d lead if we followed, and we all collectively agreed we were in good enough shape to check it out. The joyful and light-hearted chatter from before died down as the atmosphere was filled with a more serious tone. No one spoke a word as we continued through the forest, minds all racing with different thoughts as to what might have happened. The quiet surrounding our group ran a cold chill down my spine and a negative feeling in my chest. I couldn’t help but look behind me over and over, nerves taking over my rational sense of thinking.

Maneuvering beside Eren, I heard him mumble a ‘is that-’ under his breath before stopping dead in his tracks. I halted my movements, the pressure on my lower waist stopping me mid-air. I met where he was looking, squinting at the distant dark figure flying through the trees in front of us. Despite my better judgment, we outnumbered the figure so I tugged on Eren’s sleeve and told him to keep going. He was hesitant at first, but trailed behind me, eyes never leaving the spot where we first saw the shadowy figure. I assumed it to be Levi returning, as it was obvious the figure was using maneuvering gear to get around, but the closer we got the less I was sure. The figure’s face was covered by its green hood, a symbol of the Scout Regiment. Yet, it didn’t take long for me to get a peek of the bottom of its face, the feminine jawline making me realize soon enough that this  _ wasn’t  _ Levi.

“Guys-” I called, fear starting to seep into my voice. “That’s not-!”

The figure left my sight, making me spin around in a desperate attempt to find the person, but not even a shuffle of leaves alerted me to its presence. My breaths quickened, eyes flickering from each dark gap between the trees before returning to Gunther’s position in front of us. His speed decreased, faltering to glance around him, not noticing the flash of green from beside him before it was too late.

Time seemed to slow down. The green was unnatural in contrast to the tree leaves, letting me know exactly who it was before I even had a chance to warn him, The green passed as quick as it came, doing a spin turn around to get behind us whilst Gunther tumbled from the sky, hitting a tree on his way down and dangling mid-air by his grapple tied around his ankle. My chest tightening with anxiety, but before I could rush down to help, the horrible state he was in burned into my eyes, an image I would never forget. Gunther’s head was practically decapitated, the only thing keeping it on his head being the thin skin leftover on his inner neck. I wanted to scream, wanted to cry, but I knew our time was slim if the person who killed him was right behind us. I clenched my teeth, holding back my voice as I whipped away, pulling Eren along without a second thought. My squad didn’t look back as we dashed through the forest together, trying to protect Eren like we were assigned to do. Despite the adrenaline pumping through our veins, we all know we’d have time to grieve once we got to safety.

Eren’s screams rang harshly in my ears, with him asking what we were doing, and what was happening. Truthfully, I didn’t know.

“We don’t have time to go by horseback! Head to command as fast as you can to find any friendly forces!” Eld ordered, voice strained and jaw clenched together. I didn’t know what to do other than follow his orders, thoughts as to who this person could be racing through my brain.

_ The only logical answer would be the titan from before, but it was captured! There’s no way it shifted into human form while the entire Scout Regiment was watching and got away- _

My thoughts were interrupted by a large force blowing me forward, as though a bomb was just detonated directly behind us. My balance was thrown off, the hooks of my ODM gear unlatching and sending me flying forward at high speeds until my legs collided with the trunk of a tree. I gasped and hissed in pain, using one hand to grip at my ankles out of reflex and using the other to get a stable grapple on a branch above me. My squad whizzed by, not before Oluo yelled at me. 

“Get the hell up and get out of here, Rose!”

I swung upward, following my group while now knowing exactly what that boom was. It was the sound and force of the figure who killed Gunther turning into the female titan to chase us down. I felt as though I couldn’t breathe, catching up to Eren and using my body to shield him. If he was humanity’s last hope, there was no way in hell I’d let him die. Eren on the other hand looked more than ready to embrace death, his anger on proud display with clenched fists and a burning gaze. He looked capable of murder.

“I’ll kill it!” He screamed, turning back while still moving to face the thing. “I’ll kill you and make it so painful you won’t be able to-”

“Don’t!” Eld interrupted him, bringing the boy back to reality. “The four of us will do it! It’s your job to survive!”

He couldn’t speak. The teen gave a harsh nod, before speeding up, leaving us to turn around and head straight toward our biggest predator. Every bone in my body told me to go back, to run away as fast as I could and  _ survive _ , but I knew my purpose and what I had to do. My sweat-beaded palms gripped harder on the handles of my blades, ripping them out from the metal box and crossing them in an ‘x’ shape to get a better hit. Eld went first, swiveling around the titan, cutting both its eyes out with Petra’s help, blinding it. That gave me some peace as heart, and gave all of Levi Squad a serious advantage. Titan’s could regenerate body parts, but with both eyes gone it could take a good amount of time before the female titan was able to see us clearly again. I sprinted forward, aiding Eld in slicing at the monster’s arms. The titan was obviously intelligent, using its hands to cover the nape of its neck so we couldn’t have a good shot. The more cuts we landed on its arms, the weaker they became until the giant sticks of muscle dropped to its side, gaining us access to our final shot.

Eld went around the front, passing its face with his arm raised to slice off the flesh, but in the stirr of the moment, the titan's singular beady eye flashed open, and it flung its head forward, catching Eld from out of the air and chomping its large teeth through his flesh. His form was sliced in two, falling from the air and landing on the grass with a thud, not having given him a chance to react. I stood still, eyes widened in shock, and face gone pale. 

Petra swung to the side, furrowed eyes outwardly showing her panic. “But-” she cried, form trembling mid-air. “But it hasn’t even been thirty seconds yet!”

Petra knew she was too close to it for comfort, so she sped forward, quickly coming to the same realization I just did.

_ The titan- the titan focused on only healing one eye! _

Petra zipped past me, and I immediately knew she was going to be in danger if I didn’t step in. “You’re too low, Petra! Get higher!” Oluo screamed, but Petra was too focused on getting the hell away from that thing.

_ Shitshitshitshitshitshit! _ I thought, jumping off from the branch I stood on to chase her too, riding side-by-side with the titan. When I wasn’t quick enough. I used my gas to push further, using my free fist to clang against the metal to feel how much was left. Not much, but enough to save Petra and Oluo if I played my cards right. Petra looked back over her shoulder, making eye contact with me. I lurched ahead, dashing directly above the titan’s head without a second thought until I felt a gust of wind and something brush against my waist. I shot my head downward, already-wide eyes growing even wider at the sight of the titan with its mouth open and legs jumping upward to catch me out of the air.

Its forehead clashed against my wire, sending me off falling directly into its mouth. I gasped, its teeth clamping over my stomach and chest, tearing through my skin as though it were paper. The pain shot across my body, and I could physically  _ feel _ my rib cage cracking against the pressure. I let out a desperate scream, my arms trying to frightfully stab at its face, doing nothing more than leaving marks to be seen by any other victims. Petra stopped dead in her tracks, calling out my name like it was the last time she’d ever hear it. I tried to kick my legs, but they were quickly deemed immobile as soon as the idea popped into my head. My arms gave out, leaving my sword to fall out of my grasp onto the ground. Petra jumped forward to aid me, but was kicked out of the air and sent flying toward a tree without a moment to realize what had happened. Her neck snapped as she hit the trunk, sliding down and leaving a thick trail of bright red blood dripping down like a vivid paint.

My heart clenched, my adrenaline making the pain I felt a little more bearable. I could feel the cold trickle of my own blood pouring out of my body and into the titan's mouth, the body part about to snap shut and kill me.

Until Oluo yelled, using the opportunity to Slice at the female titan’s neck from behind, startling the thing and dropping me from its bite. With the little strength I had left, I used my gas to blow into a tree, tumbling and rolling over on my side while hissing with pain. The titan struck Oluo out of the air with its foot, sending him smashing against the dirt, crushing the man’s skull. The voice in my chest erupted, and I cried out, the throb of distress so evident in my body that I couldn’t bring it in me to screech. I glanced down at my bottom half, the crimson liquid oozing out of the teeth marks etched forever into my flesh. A howl echoed throughout the treetops, and with the blurry vision I had left, I saw Eren’s titan form dsh toward the female titan with a fire I’d never seen before.

I was going to die.

My eyes began to droop, skin getting paler and paler with blood loss. I had a deep sense of knowing inside that this was it, my ribs were broken and I was losing blood faster than Eld had when he was torn in half. Hot tears started to roll down my cheeks, the feeling of warmth foreign to my chilling body. My hazy eyes moved over to my fuel tank, noticing the holes emptying the liquid spilling onto the ground. The titan must’ve pierced it while it was biting down on me, I assumed before rolling my head over the other way to watch Eren fight.

My brain felt too large for my head, like it was going to explode as the world spun around me. I could hear the dripping of my blood from off the branch, a grim reminder of what state my body was to be found in. Would Ewin be sad? Would  _ Levi _ be sad? I doubted it, as he’d experienced the likes of which before and I was no one special, but an odd part of me hoped he would care. Hoped he would grieve over me, yet, I didn’t want him to be the one who found my body. I wanted it to be Erwin. I wanted Erwin to know that I’d done it. I’d died like the promise I’d made so many times to him. The promise for humanity.

The thought was the only thing keeping me from bawling my eyes out, that, and the lack of energy I had left. The haze in my vision turned darker and darker, turning the blurry remains of the world around me into an inky black screen.

My breathing slowed, getting more and more shallow until I couldn’t tell if I was even breathing anymore at all. I was so tired, I just wished I could relax for a little while. Take a nap. Exhaustion took over, reminding me of the lack of sleep I’d had since joining the Levi Squad.  _ If I take just a moment to rest, I’m sure Captain Levi won’t mind. He has to cut me some slack eventually… _

I sighed, drifting off.  _ I’m sorry I couldn’t stay awake, Levi. _

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t know how much time had passed when my eyes opened again. It could barely be considered opening, as I could barely see anything other than the official Scout Regiment suit in front of me. A scout was standing there on the branch, quickly leaning beside me and grabbing my arm. It was a man, and he was mumbling something I couldn't hear. I could only make out certain words, the rest of the world sounding as though I were drowning underseas.

“...alive…? …”

“...stay…. Alive…”

“...aw..ake”

I extended a hand, a weak smile tugging on my lips. “Erwin..? … you... made it.”

He didn’t say anything, rather, he wrapped some bandages around my wounds. It stung, but the constant pain I’d endured for what seemed like hours had numbed me to the ache, making it only seem like a distant memory.

“Let me… die.”

He still remained silent, but the pace he was wrapping the bite at was quick. Panicked. I was far too out of it to care.

“I love you ...Erwin.”

The haze from before got stronger, pulling me forcefully into another deep and cold sleep, It was cold, so very cold. I wanted to shiver, but any movement, so matter how small, seemed impossible for me to do. I started to pass out again, not before my head rolled up to face the sky, the sight of jet black hair entering my vision before fading away just as quickly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
  


I was ripped out of my slumber by my body jolting directly upward, not from a nightmare but from outside interference. My cheeks felt fuller, my body felt warmer, and despite the weakness overtaking my form, I could think coherent thoughts without it being a daunting task. I took in my surroundings, noticing that I was moving, it was dark out, and I was surrounded by things wrapped in various cloths.  _ Bloody _ cloths. My body bumped, making me want to take a sharp look as to where the source was, but my build refused my attempt to make any drastic movements. I hissed in pain, the sensation distant yet unwelcome as I relived the series of events I’d just endured. I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood, trying desperately to distract myself. Now wasn’t the time to think about it when I had no clue where I even  _ was _ . My blurry eyesight somewhat adjusted, my pounding migraine not aiding in my search for answers. 

I finally noticed the outline of a person sitting across from me, red blurs of color indicating their blood. I couldn’t make out their face, nor if they were even breathing or not, but if they were sitting, so was I. They didn’t move, making me briefly question if it really was a person or not, but as my vision gradually began to improve, I could start to make out the dark shapes where their facial features should be. I wanted to reach out, to ask their name and if they were alright, but my vocal cords and limps refused to work at my need. My brain was wide awake, however, my body was weak with exhaustion. An unnatural, unhealthy exhaustion weighing down on my shoulders. I was forcefully ripped out of my thoughts by a cold, thick liquid brushing against my outer thigh. My head, lolled to the side and limp, could make out the vague dark red color, and the minute I understood what it was, my stomach crunches inside me. It was blood, not fresh by the temperature. If there was so much blood coming from my left that it was pooling down and staining my uniform, it could only mean there were other people, alive or dead, where I sat.

It was then I pieced together exactly where I was.

I sucked a harsh breath through my teeth, the action making my lungs ache. My eyesight, still not good, was clear enough for me to make out the larger details in the molding wood I was atop of, and though my vision was bad, I could easily hear the sound of horse’s hooves clopping against the grass and dirt. 

I was on the cart that carried the dead and injured back inside the walls. The cart ever soldier dreaded, the cart that gave anyone a nauseating feeling just peering at it.  _ I  _ was sitting in it, bleeding into the thin bandages wrapped around my body like packaged meat. I felt ill, with my injuries and the pattern I’d seen time and time again, my chances of surviving the ordeal were slim. I could physically  _ feel _ the blood leaving my body, my bandages so soaked with the substance it began to drip into my lap. My eyelids fluttered when a gust of wind blew past, the force causing my body to tremble along with the earth’s icy breath. I never once thought that being on the cart bearing death would feel the way it did, but there I sat, life draining out of me while I constantly tried to push the memories of my friends being estan alive for long enough for me to have a reason to live.

I didn’t, really.

I tried to convince myself that it was all a nightmare. A terrible, horrible nightmare that I’d simply wake up from and go back to my regular routine. Yet the fact I knew that I felt nothing but empty sorrow and pain showed my emotions weren’t unfounded. Raw, mind-numbing pain and the chill that ran through my blood. My eyelids began to droop again, making me attempt to do everything in my power to stay awake. My body worked against me, forcing the sleep onto me faster than I could fight it. Drowsiness overcame me, making my head spin into nothingness as my body went limp once more. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
  


I woke up another time, instead of jolting, slowly opening my eyes only to be greeted with a large, overwhelming crowd of people surroundings the cart. Loved ones crying, soldiers holding the citizens back from grabbing at the body parts, anything to have something left to bury. I wondered that if I had family, if they’d be in a rush to find me within the leftover parts and limbs of my fallen comrades. My pupils lazily shifted over to the person leading the cart, immediately realizing it was Molbit, Squad Leader Hange’s assistant. Wherever he was, Hange was never far behind, yet no matter where I looked, I couldn't spot her signature glasses and auburn hair within the haze. I wanted to speak, to ask where Levi was, and if he’d made it out alive, or if Erwin had saved me or not, but I was unable to let any words leave my mouth. 

I felt a sudden hand grab my wrist, the action causing me to hiss in pain. I headshot to where the touch came from, and I made piercing eye contact with an older woman, tear-stained cheeks wrinkled and aged. Both her hands moved to my shoulders, shaking me with a desperation I wasn’t expecting nor prepared for.

“Elizabeth! Oh, Elizabeth, I knew you’d be okay!” She cried, eyes wide with something I couldn’t name. “Let’s go home, Elizabeth, and I’ll tell everyone what happened! Finally, you’re home!”

The movement of her shaking caused what little corners of my wound that had closed to open up, making me unvlentairily shriek from the shot of hurt spreading across my body. She didn’t let go until a soldier tore her off me, leading her far from the cart I was situated at. My arms wrapped around my stomach, what little tears I had left shedding from my squeezed-shut eyes. I was hunched over, shuddering and mute from the ache, panic rising in my chest as my breathing quickened. 

I was surprised when a familiar voice echoed into my ears, and instead of a harsh grab, I was met with the gentle yet rushed touch of a friend.

“Rose, you’re finally awake.” Hange was calm, much calmer than usual but I couldn’t help but pick up on the tinge of anxiety in her tone. “Let’s uh- get you patched up.”

Her eyebrows were furrowed, lip quivering the slightest bit, almost unnoticeable. She reached into a wooden box beside me, pulling out some fresh bandages from beside me and undoing the old ones. The furrow in her brow deepened when she saw how deep the teeth marks went, and the raw amount of blood that had leaked out of my body. She winced, unraveling the rags and replacing them with new ones. I remained mute, staring at her in the corner of my eye and wishing I could thank her, but my vocal cords along with the rest of me was unable to work.

The hustle and bustle of the crowd almost seemed to stop with a pause as time slowed down in my mind the minute Levi’s face came into view. The only one left in my squad, other than me, if you could even consider me that. He didn't notice me as my eyes welled up, too far away to know where I was. Even more silent tears fell that night, earning a slight wince from Hange. The memories were too painful, seeing him again. Hange looked up to make eye contact, snapping me out of the despair clouding my vision.

“I’m going to inject this in you, sorry you’ll have to sleep again, we need to take you to get stitches.” She exhaled, the sharp prick of the needle not feeling like anything in comparison to the never-ending hell my body was being put through. Just as soon as the liquid entered my body, I was knocked back out, eyes rolling to the back of my head as I collapsed onto my side.


End file.
